Thursday, June 18, 2009

See Wall, Apply Forehead at High Speed, Repeat as Necessary

Ok I have fallen off the wagon, into the gutter and now I am rolling around in the gutter and splashing in puddles.
SuperPucky has been bad, naughty, terrible and made some "ineffective choices" as my therapist would tell me. In other words I am eating like an idiot.
Ever since my trip to Charleston it has just been a free for all of eating like I have a tapeworm and it is all going to magically go away. Eating as if I won't start gaining weight. (Which I have about four pounds or five depending on how my scale feels that morning)
TOM and his unpredictability has me believing that some of the weight gain I have experienced is just water, but personally I think some of it is good old fashioned fat.
Birthdays can be hard for me and I am ignoring that quite well. Yes I am proud that I am much smaller than I was last birthday and I am doing very well. Yes I am proud of the accomplishments that I have made, so why am I undoing them? Why am I backsliding and why can't I stop? I don't get it, I know what is going to happen if I keep this crap up. I know that pizza is not a smart food choice. I know that frappacccpappachinoos from Starbucks are not low in fat. I know that coffee cake is not the way to a smaller me. I know all this, yet I still eat. Am I trying to sooth a hurt that I am ignoring? Am I trying to fill a hole inside myself that I am pretending isn't there? What in the ham sandwich is wrong with my brain?! Grrrrr.
Am I scared that I may succeed? Am I scared that I won't make my goals by January? Am I secretly making the failure true so I don't have to worry about it? Am I thinking to hard?
Ok I have been here before and I have said curse words, threw up my hands and "Ah to hell with it all", gained the weight back and was terribly miserable. Then I begin the cycle again by hitting rock bottom and starting all over. Usually the starting all over is from an even higher weight because I just have to top myself.
So we are going to do things differently this time. I will catch myself before I fall too far. I will stop the "ineffective" eating aka eating like a refugee at the rice drop. I will claim victory over this stupid problem and move forward. :::"Onward Christian Soldiers" playing gradually louder in background:::::: I will not repeat the mistakes of the past because I AM smarter than that. I HAVE learned from my mistakes. I WILL lose more weight and I WILL be SUCCESSFUL! As God as my witness I will not go one more month weighing over 300 pounds! YOU HEAR ME INTERNET! :::shakes fists of fury:::

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