Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Welcome to Crazytown Pop.1 and 1/8th

Some days you just want to delete right off the ol' DVR of life.
Today would be one of those days. It was a icky wet nasty grey sky'ed chilly mess. There were three wrecks within a mile of one another on the interstate. I had an "assessment" at work today (PC name for a freakin' test). They "discretely" pulled people out of the room to give them their results. People came skipping back in the room proudly telling of their 99 out of 100, 95 out of 100 and similar scores.
I became more and more worried when everyone in the room had been called except for me. Then they call me back into another room which coincidentally had another employee in it. The one trainer stood behind me towering over my chair like a scolding parent. The other one sat next to me with the look of confusion and pity. I opened up the test booklet to reveal a failing grade. It looked like someone bled all over my paper. The first question from the pity face trainer was "What happened?" At that point I think all of the blood I had in my body was pooled in my stomach. My eyes resembled that of a puppy that has been told all the dog cookies were gone and I was a bad bad puppy.
They then proceeded to ask me to go through and demonstrate the sucktittude with which I spectacularly failed. I had to go through question by agonizing question and show my complete ineptness and failure to grasp the material. Oh yes, they did. By the way I did ask Igor behind me to sit down. Due to the fact I was a little freaked to have someone towering over me while I was horribly embarrassed. In a nutshell, it sucked..really freakin' sucked.
The blood began to rush back to my face as I went through the question gauntlet. I could feel the blush beginning and the tears brimming. I managed to suck it up until I was done with the questioning. After I left the room of doom I was trying to dart to the rooms where you can make private phone calls so I could bawl my eyes out alone. OF COURSE someone has to see me and wants to ask me what was wrong. I couldn't talk the tears started streaming and I basically bolted from the area. That person got one of our peer coaches (aka not really a supervisor manager thingy) and sent her to save me from the depths of despair. All I really wanted to do was lose my sh*t, pull it back together and move on with the day. Was that going to happen? Holy poop piles NOOOOOO!
I had to explain that I was feeling all hormonal, and I was over-reacting and I was fine. All the while I am thinking "Leave me alone to have a good sob fest!!!" I finally appeased her and she let me go .
After wiping the mascara from under my eyes and making sure there were no boogies around my nose I made my way back into the class. I was hoping to become one with my chair and remain invisible for the remainder of the afternoon. It was only an hour left in the day, I was almost free. I could find the nearest purveyor of hamburgers and carb load myself into a coma. Then I could go to bed and cry into my sweet little dogs' fur. Well that crap wasn't happening. Yet ANOTHER trainer shows up and calls me out of the room. Out into the hallway where MY MANAGER was waiting for me.
At this point I am ready to pass out from sadness, aggravation and anger. I follow my manager into another chamber of shame. I then begin to regurgitate everything I could think of to get her to believe that I was going to: "soldier forward", "pull up my bootstraps", "go bravely where no pregnant girl has gone before"..blah de blah bull crap blah.
After a HALF HOUR of searching my poor scrambled brain for any semblance of a reason why I failed the first "easy" test we were finally done. I was watching the clock behind her (hopefully not obviously) and it was only five minutes til' complete breakdown time! Hooray! Then a knock at the door and MY MANAGER's Manager pops in. HOOFREAKIN' RAY is the CEO of the company available? I am sure that he would like to put his two cents in about my atrocity of a test. The Manager's manager wanted to make sure everything was OK. No it is not OK, everything is wrong and awful! I need a hug, and a blanket, and my Mommy, and a sticker, and maybe a lolly pop.
So where is that erase button again?

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Worky Work Busy Bee!

I am 10 weeks soon to be 11 and my energy has returned somewhat! I don't feel like I have run a marathon with another person strapped to me at the end of everyday. I am not counting on this trend to continue. I am learning to take this pregnant thing one day at a time.
Work has been hectic, interesting, exciting and believe it or not fun. I am making really cool new friends. Women I actually look up to, like the ex-police officer and military police woman in my class. She can seriously kick butt, she is really smart and super nice. There is a single Mom of four who moved from NY to SC by HERSELF! Holy crap she is my new hero.
These girls are schooling me on pregnancy, being working mom's and they have totally embraced me in the Mommy Sorority! I feel loved SQUEE!
My supervisor is WAY cool, she is a mother of four and her youngest is 6. She has been a working mom most of her career at my job. She is being super supportive of me and my doctor appointment/training conflict issus. She was not able to come down to talk to me during training so she called me on the way home, on her cell phone, on the way to pick up her teenager from school. Go supermommanagerlady YEA! When she called me this afternoon I knew I struck gold with my manager.
Tonight I managed to cook dinner, pick up the house a little bit and I am working on the laundry. I barley got anything done last week but making an imprint of my behind on the couch.
What a difference a week makes!
The only bit of whining I have is my flatulence issues. Good lord I could blow up a hot air balloon and float that sucker to Alaska. It is getting ridiculous y'all. Last night I ran the dog out of my bedroom! (No that is not me being overly dramatic, it actually happened) Thank goodness the trouser symphony kicks off in the evening and early morning so I am sparing my coworkers olfactory senses.
I have to go work on laundry so I must bid you all goodnight.
Remember keep your car in your lane and your nose upwind from me.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Sweet Relief

Yesterday morning I could have sworn I had a video camera peeking in through my curtains. It felt like I was on some cheesy sitcom and I was waiting for the canned laughter.

I got an email from my HR manager at my new job asking me to call her night before last. The next morning I get up to call her. I get up and dial the number. The ever so sweet fuzband decides to take out the trash and starts to bang the bag on the floor (loudly) while I am listening to the ring. Then I friggin' GET HER NAME WRONG! Not once, not twice, THREE FRIGGIN' times. I am struggling here you guys. If you will recall that when I first interviewed with her and two other managers it was like being interviewed by Mt. Rushmore with matching personalities. Instead of trying to help me out by saying her name she starts saying "There is no one here by that name, I am sorry I don't know who you want.". Yeah...she has people skills. By the way this is a customer service job and this lady has MILES of interpersonal skills. As I am struggling to remember her name the trash banging husband BREAKS WIND in the kitchen. I mean one of those farts that should be recorded in the "Gastrointestinal Hall of Fame". At this point I am paralyzed with fear. Did she hear him fart? Does she hate who ever this idiot who can't remember her name? Oh yeah and I am about to tell her I AM PREGNANT. This is off to a roaring start.

I finally remember her first name and manage to mumble it out and she recognizes that I want to speak to her the HR manager who I have already asked for. Yeah...I can see me going to her with aching personal issues in the future. UGH. I tell her I am pregnant and I get a congratulations so dry it makes Arizona look like a tropical rain forest. I explain to her my concerns and fear about missing training class and getting in trouble for absenteeism. That I want to be open and up front blah blah blah. Believe it or not I get the classic pass the buck. Talk to your manager and talk to your trainer and try to work around their schedule. I might as well have told her that I had warts that needed removing on my left knee and I had to have a procedure done. It was handled with little to no tact. So screw it. I am not going to go to her for jack from here on out. Obviously if she is not concerned about the whole issue I am not going to stress over it myself.

I am going to my OB appointments come hell or high water because this baby is coming whether my job cares or not!

Yeah, the pregnancy hormones have not kicked in at all...

On other fronts I am taking benefiber..take a wild guess why. The scale says I have gained four pounds in two days and I am not buying that it is fat and water. Lets just say things are not moving along like they should. I am going to make stir fry for dinner and see if that doesn't "motivate" things.

Until next time keep your chin up and your lunch down.