Friday, April 24, 2009
Knock on wood the back is behaving itself. I have managed to get 98% packed up. I will be finishing up tonight.
Fuzband wants to leave at midnight to avoid weekend traffic and I think he is spot on. Orlando and Jacksonville traffic (shudder).
I am completely amazed we managed to cram a weeks worth of stuff into six suitcases for two cosmetic and toiletry addicted girls and get David's stuff in there too.
I am also amazed that a panic attack has not set in because I had so much stuff to do. I find myself today being able to tie up all the loose strings.
I had to leave my Flapper (my dachshund) and my Mackaroni (my Jack Russell) with my Poppa, and boy that was hard. Since Flapper is only 8 months old and he is my substitute child I am still feeling separation anxiety here. I haven't left him with anyone. Anyone who isn't a dog lover is looking at this screen like I have an extra boob. I am going to actually upload some photos for your enjoyment today.
There will be Disney Photos posted when I get back. If I can get to a wi fi spot I will try to blog a note or two. The giant mouse wants to charge 10.00 a day for internet access! You get that F-R-E-E that spells free ( at credit report dot com baby...sorry couldn't help that) at Embassy Suites and Days Inn and cheap hotels. A moderate resort at Disney wanted a little over 80.00 so I could have access. (Sigh) I will probably be going through withdrawal by the time I get home. Don't be surprised if I have a few blogs done off line...if I am not too exhausted.
Well folks I will miss you.
See ya real soon! Ha ha! (poor Mickey imitation)
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
So I get out of bed and look frightfully at all the things I have to do and get a little more panicky. So I sit down in front of my laptop to try to at least regain some normalcy here and begin to check email and blog a bit. When pondering on subjects to blog the obvious rose to the top which is my current state of anxiety. I think maybe I need to take one of those meds my nice Dr. gave me that I save for special occasions like panic attacks. If anyone out there has ever had the pleasure of having a panic attack they know that it is not a picnic. It is awful for you and the carnage that any innocent by standers in my instance endure can be bad. I can get mean sometimes and not mean it. Ugh the joy of anxiety problems. This is the very thing that makes me re-think becoming a mother. How am I going to handle it when my child turns two and I have to do several things in one day and they throw a tantrum and I have a panic attack?
How in the ham sandwich am I going to handle all of this! OK, OK this is not helpful. One day at a time, one minute at a time, stay in the now. Phew.
Great gravy. I am not doing to well here. OK need to delegate and prioritize.
Sorry that my mental ramblings have puddled on my blog but sometimes I just gotta get this stuff out of my head. I am hoping that my readers are not looking at this post in horror thinking about butterfly nets and straight jackets for everyone. I don't usually get this odd, it just happens prior to a big event such as long vacation that requires planning.
I am going to eat a nice lunch take my meds, make a list and start eating this elephant one bite at a time.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
You start off with a flurry of activity, lists, lists about planning, lists about packing, lists of lists about the planning and packing. Then you get a bunch of stuff. Then for me it is always around the week or two prior mark that I get kind of bleh with it all. The next thing I know it is three days prior to leaving holy crap! I have things to do and see and pack and buy and clean and water and pet and and and and and.....
Yet I knew this time was going to come three months ago. Here it is three days before take off and I have eight gagillion things to do. I should probably be cleaning a bathroom or hauling suitcases down. Am I, no, I am blogging about procrastination. So I am even sort of procrastinating procrastination. Wow was that even a sentence? I don't know. Ugh, it seems some times that we get so worked up prior to a big vacation and drive our selves practically to drink that by the time it starts you are exhausted. I am really trying to fight that urge.
I promise to not worry about packing everything I own. I promise not to let my sister worry me in to packing everything she owns and I own. I promise that I will delegate things to do. I promise I will let my husband help me so I don't get overwhelmed trying to do everything.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Has anyone been so fat that they have laid in bed sucked in their stomach just to get a pair of jeans on?
Has anyone been so fat that they were not able to ride an amusement park ride?
Has anyone stood instead of sat for fear the chair would buckle beneath you?
Has anyone had to get help up and down a three step flight of stairs due to neck, back, and ankle pain?
Has anyone used a mop to wash the shower while sitting on adjacent toilet because it was too hard to sand or stoop and clean with a sponge?
(oy this one is bad) Has anyone backed up in the car to get the paper off the driveway while pulling in so they wouldn't have to stoop over to pick it up?
Has anyone ordered a second drink at McDonald's because you were afraid they would think all the food you ordered was for you?
Has anyone trained their foot to pick up anything so they wouldn't have to bend over to get it?
Has anyone dropped anything on the floor and thought "aah screw it" and left it there because they didn't want to pick it up?
Has anyone eaten in their car because they did not want people to watch how much they ate in public?
Has anyone cancelled a trip to the beach because they felt too fat?
Has anyone been able to fit in a booth without the table touching their tummy in the last month?
Has anyone been able to completely bend over and touch toes lately?
Has anyone been able to squat for the first time in about a zillion years lately?
Has anyone bought smaller clothes because their old ones are looking circus clownish?
Has anyone been able to haul something old and wear it lately?
Has anyone been able to get in and out of a car with out using the door to pull themselves upright?
Has someone been able to do yard work previously never done before?
Can anyone pull affore said jeans up without unzipping them?
Is anybody proud of themselves?
(raising hand and hopping up and down)
If you aren't seated, please sit because I have earth shattering, mind blowing news.
SuperPucky.......mowed yesterday. I know, I know, everyone take a moment to absorb it all. OK now that we are not hyperventilating anymore I will continue. I actually got off my behind and went out to help the fuzzband with yard work. I picked up pine cones, I raked, I bagged, I even mowed the entire back yard. Now before you become too dazzled I do live in the burbs so is isn't like we cleaned out the south forty. However, you need a stick of dynamite and the promise of something chocolaty to get me to do yard work under normal circumstances.
I thought if I sit still on the couch for another day my back is only going to hurt worse and I am only going to gain weight. So after feeling guilty while he mowed the front yard I motivated myself into doing the backyard with him. It actually looks pretty good. We didn't completely finish because we did need enough energy to shower, eat and then collapse. There is a teensy bit left that I can handle once the leaves dry out again. I am not attempting to rake wet leaves. That is where the line gets drawn.
When I woke up this morning I fully expected to feel as if I had been in a car wreck but actually I am feeling good. The back isn't even stiff or painful. YEA!
I weighed myself on the Wii Fit and I am down about two pounds from last weigh in 7 days ago. Hooray! I think it may have been a bit more dramatic had I not been sidelined by the back. I am not complaining because as long as those numbers are not up I am good. I am reeeeally good.
Mouse World beckons me like a siren song. We will be blasting off via Kia on Friday night at midnight. The Fuzzband is super happy about driving. He loves a road trip, as do I so we are super pumped.
I must leave you now because I have a pile of dishes and a pile of laundry that needs my attention. Where is Rosie the Robot when you need her?
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Something else I wanted to touch on, is if you are going to buy a used car insist on getting the Carfax report. I got mine after the fact and discovered a recall on my car. I knew I wasn't driving a Lexus off the lot so I wasn't surprised at a few bugs here and there. I discovered that the turn signal has tourrettes syndrome. It would click at the oddest times, and would continue clicking long after turning off. Then it died all together. When I looked up the recall on my handy dandy carfax report low and behold, the recall was for the turn signal/hazard light assembly. Dun dun duuuuun! I called chevy gave them my vin and voila the robot lady told me that there was an open recall on my car. I took it to the dealership and got a once over the entire car and I got the problem solved for..... NOTHING. Goose egg, zero, nada, zip, zilch, nothing, absosmurfly no money. WOO HOO! Thank you Carfax!
On to other news, I hate my lower back.
(Just for those of you thinking you are smarty pants my back was bothering me before I turned into auto body girl so that was not the cause.)
Wouldn't you know the week before I head off to Disney it decides that "I am not happy and I am going to let you know it.". It is sending these mind-numbingly painful bursts of pain straight up my spine. When does this happen, whenever it wants to. I could be picking up a dish from the table, unlocking my car, petting my dog, turning around to walk through the kitchen, climbing a rock wall, you know the usual. So off to my Dr. who applauded me on my weight loss so far and the exercising. He sent me off with some meds for my poor back.
Let me tell you this troops, I don't care if I am on one of those carts that beep when you back up. I am going to Disney. Oh yes, I am going to Disney if I have to put one of those old ass AaAOOOoooga horns on a wheelchair and motor myself around Disney it is happening! NOTHING short of a hurricane will keep me from my mouse induced bliss.
So I have to "try" to take it easy on my back while I get ready for a week long trip. (HAH)
Thursday, April 16, 2009
I hopped on the scale this morning to my delight to see 304. I know you weight can fluctuate as much as 2 pounds either way every day. Holy hot pockets batman 304! Even if it was just down 2 lbs due to dehydration that still leaves me at 306, which is down from yesterday. I weighed myself four times in a row to make sure it was not a fluke and each time 304 came blinking up at me.
One of the things I discovered back in therapy that denial is not just a river in Egypt. I was in denial up to my eyeballs. Being a size 32 (perhaps bigger), weighing 350 and feeling like poop was not enough to make me realize I was fat. I know that sounds completely insane, but it is true. I didn't think I was one of "those people", you know the ones that they show on TV from the neck down when they talk about America's Weight Epidemic. I wasn't that fat yet. (Warning stupid self talk to follow) I can pull it off, I am tall enough, if I wear just big enough clothes. '
I was so big that I didn't want to admit it to myself even though it was staring me straight in the face. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. It was just too hard to see this other person I didn't know staring at me. After all, that couldn't be me, I am not that big yet.
I guess I was not ready to break down and admit the truth. It is so funny when I think about my self talk it sounds like an addict doesn't it? "I can quit anytime I want." "I only drink on the weekends." "I am a drunk, alcoholics go to meetings." "I don't have a problem, I don't drink that much."
I had so many warning signs and flags popping up left and right but I just went right on ignoring them. (Warning more stupid self talk coming) After all you could attribute the smaller pants to the dryer shrinking them. The smaller bra was because it was cheap and worn out. I couldn't fit in the booth at the restaurant because they had crammed too much seating in one small area. The reason I am having to buy a bigger size is because the clothes run small in that store. Bad ankles are hereditary in my family, it is in my genes. I am tired all the time because it is winter and your body naturally slows down. Gastric reflux disease is hereditary I am getting this because my sister got it too.
Good God call me Cleopatra Queen of Denial! I had an excuse and a reason for everything. It was easier to laugh at it and make something up than to face the hard cold truth. I was killing myself one bite at a time.
When I finally saw myself in the cruel light of truth, cried, stopped beating myself up, asked for help, and got serious about weight loss, I started seeing results.
Rock bottom turned out to be good solid ground.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
1. I am preparing for a week long trip to Disney World (uproarious cheers and hurrah)
2. I just got my new to me car '01 Malibu and it is purty and it was cheap a steal at 4,000.00 (go me)
3. I am now a 307-yes 307 I am only 7 pounds from watching that first number change to a 2 a number two it has been almost five years since I have been below 300.
4. I am now a size 24W/26W at Catherines, which is a 30 just about everywhere else, so I am just a few inches away from not having to shop at exclusive plus size shops.
5. My ankles are reappearing, I have had a missing persons report out on them for years now, but I believe we have found them.
6. I went to Olive Garden tonight and only ate 1/2 of a bread stick, one small bowl of salad and a selection off the low fat menu of which I boxed up half of. (I almost passed out at my level of restraint. Normally I would order a plate of cheese covered cheese with cheese sauce)
7. At the dealership yesterday I was walking up an extremely steep grade and realized that I wasn't wheezing, out of breath or about to attach myself to the salesman's leg and beg for mercy.
Life is good. Thank you God!
Monday, April 13, 2009
The fat fairy came along and took another pound away. I am sorry if it made it's way to you.
Yesterday I survived Easter! I survived Grandma yum yum scratch made brownies, pound cake with lemon icing. All made from scratch! Betty Crocker doesn't have anything on my, I mean my husbands', (I am officially making her my grandma) grandma.
All I had was one small bite of a very small brownie. I had one, count it, ONE, spoonful of each of the five million side dishes and about 4 or 5 ounces of ham. I had two of the little bitty reeses peanut butter eggs. They were probably about as big as a grape each.
In my entire 33 years I have never had so little to eat at Easter dinner and the entire day in general. It was so difficult to get up and walk out and sit down outside when desert was being put out. In my moment of weakness I picked up a 1"by 1" brownie and took one bite, realized what I was up to and gave the second bite away.
The bestest thing that happened was family seeing my efforts. My father in law told my husband that I looked great. My new grandma told me that I looked great. I looked great! YEA!
I am excited today that this whole thing about being healthy for life is becoming easier and and easier to do. Yes there was some moments of anxiety yesterday, but I reminded myself that Easter is NOT about food, it is NOT about desert, it is about the big JC, family, remembering that we have been forgiven for our sins. So I remembered to forgive myself for my eating sins and put it behind me.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Just wanted to write a quick post to pay homage to Jesus. Without him I would not be where I am today. I owe him everything and I thank him each day for the blessings he has given to me and my family.
I hope that today is filled with remembrance of the One who gave all with love and peace for all of you.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
When I was leaving Subway with the fuzzband today (feeling pretty proud for not caving in to getting Mexican for lunch) we crossed in front of two teen aged boys. The bane of all plus size women and men is the cruel teen. I looked over to make sure I was not going to become a grill ornament on their dad's Volvo. I noticed them gawking at me, not just glancing up or looking, I mean full on gawking and giggling. Being plus sized for a large part of my life I have gotten used to stares from people. Today it kind of slapped me in the face. I have been so proud of my progress and happy with my new smaller size. These two pimple covered dorks sucked me right back into feeling like an awkward teen. All of a sudden I could feel how big 310 lbs. are. I felt like someone snuck up and popped my balloon that had "Way to go on the 40 lbs!" plastered all over it.
Am I alone on this one? Has anyone else had complete strangers sum you up with a stare and a giggle. Or have you ever gotten the elbow and whisper between two people as you pass. Of course then there are the a-holes who speak loudly enough for you to hear them.
I know most would say, "Don't let them bother you. They are just stupid teens." or the ever popular "You shouldn't let what other people think bother you they don't know you, they don't matter.". The thing is I know all of that and I understand that but DAMMIT I am tired of being entertainment for others!
I had a cup of water in my hand as I crossed that street. It took every ounce of energy I had not to hurl the water at that car as hard as I could.
I am a human being. I deserve respect. I deserve the right to be able to walk down the street, through the mall, or in any public area without being ridiculed. If I were a minority it would be racism or bigotry, but since I am over weight it is open frickin' season.
UGH! I wish I had a paintball gun and I could just unload on the insensitive douche bags who think that just because people are overweight that it is OK to pick on them.
I know that this is a bit of a rant, and I apologize for the bitching. I feel better having expelled that hatred. I know idiots can't help being idiots because they were born with smaller brains. So I shouldn't be angry at them because they are functionally retarded, because after all wouldn't that be wrong?
Friday, April 10, 2009
No, I don't look like a three year old gave me the Barbie hair make over with blunt scissors, which frankly surprises me. The last time I tried to trim my own bangs I ended up looking like complete moron with too short crooked bangs. I haven't tried it since 10 years ago. All I wanted was some bangs and I didn't feel motivated to pay even the cheapest place 11.00 to whack off three inches of hair. I sucked it up, got out a comb, the sheers and took a deep breath. Much to my delight the results are actually kind of dare I say....cute.
I promise I will take some photos and up load some photos of me at different sizes so you folks will know that I am not a head in a jar with an elaborate typing mechanism.
My body is aching right now. I got a little too enthusiastic with my Wii Fit. You don't realize how hard you are exercising when you are having so much fun. If you could transport yourself back about three years and told me I would use exercise and fun in the same sentence I would laugh at you. It really gives you a full body work out. Since I have added it to my weight loss team I am seeing inches disappear as well as pounds. Who knew that pretending to hula hoop and dodging imaginary soccer balls would move me toward my goals.
When I was whizzing around Wal Mart today I noticed a peculiar feeling. I noticed the crotch of my pants was gravitating toward my knees. My new jean capri pants were slipping down. When I bought them in February they were my $9.00 steal of the year from Catherines. They fit perfectly and looked great. Less than two months later they are big enough to pull down without being unzipped.
I have gone so long without having any type of success that it is strange for me to have these things happen. So if anyone out there thinks I am bragging I am not. I am truly exuberant to report these little blessings I am having.
Easter is Sunday, I have always looked forward to Easter with excitement. All the candy, chocolate, sugar covered marshmallow heaven, and mmmmm Easter eggs. This year I am not going to have any of it. I am focusing on the reason for Easter and the gathering of the family. I am not focusing on the food for a change.
I got a head check day before yesterday and a spiritual recharge.
I met a remarkable woman who is going through some very challenging struggles in her life. She and I have similarities in our trials and tribulations. She however is in the problem and working her way toward the solution. She has no idea how her problems actually helped me and inspired me to keep going. After she left I felt as if a giant anvil was dropped on me. Seeing someone else where I have been made me start thinking.
I suddenly started to remember how far I have come and where I started.
The darker days...
Days I did not want to live.
The days of not wanting to get out of bed.
Not wanting to look at my own reflection because it repulsed me.
Recalling despising myself and asking a friend of mine "Am I a nice person? Am I a bitch? Do you still love me?".
Standing on the Doctor's scale and see 350 lbs glaring back in red numbers just six months ago.
It reminded me of what it was like to hide food and eat it so no one would know.
Planning binges at night so nobody would know my secrets. Then planning on making myself sick because I felt so guilty.
What it was like to not have my emotions in control, feeling like I was slipping away from reality.
The feeling of being scared to leave the house because I did not want people to look at me.
Wondering how anyone could love me especially myself.
Today I can smile and look back at those days and realize that it is the past. I have turned a page. I am writing my story and it is going to have happy ending. I am practicing the "progress not perfection" motto, and I am staying grounded and grateful.
Thank God for well...God, Jesus, my understanding husband, my kick ass Doctors, medication, OA, Al-Anon, forgiving family, great friends, and my inner strength.
It has been about a 10 year journey to recovery. It had to start with strengthening my spirituality, getting my head squared away, finding the love of my life, hitting rock bottom, standing up, and working on the last piece... my health. I am finally understanding how important balance of mind, body and soul are. All three work like a pedestal to hold you up and keep you going.
To anyone reading this blog who is in the dark days, they do end. There is hope, there is help... don't ever stop looking for it.
To anyone who has helped me through my dark days, thank you. You mean the world to me.
To anyone who has overcome similar struggles, don't hide your story, share it, you do have an influence.
Lastly if you know someone who is having problems similar to these, reach out and hold their hand, let them know they are not alone. You may just save a life.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Ladies and gentlemen I caught the Fat Fairy last night in action. She was stealing a pound from me. You will see a picture I took of her as she gave me a celebration concert in my back yard. The celebration was in honor of losing 40 pounds total since October. I have often wondered what she looked like and what she did with the weight. Judging from the top of her costume I know now.
Ever wonder where that weight actually goes? I mean I know that the fat cells get left behind and all but where does the icky fat go? Does it get sucked out of you by the Fat Fairy? Does she take it to be deposited on some unfortunate soul who has been hoovering Ben and Jerry's like crystal meth for the last week? Inquiring minds would like to know!
I have actually stuck to my guns on something I promised myself. I said I was going to start reading more again. I looked around the house and said. Hey, kinda hard to do read more when you have read every book here. Now I know some of you will think, the library is free you should be going there! I am not the most dependable person when it comes to the library. I hate paying late fees and on top of that if I really like the book I want to keep it. Plus my family rotates books around if it is really good.
I have started off with The Proper Care and Feeding of a Husband by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I know she is not the most loved person in the world. I have however read several of her other books and they have had profound positive impact on my life. I think 10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives should be issued to every girl at puberty. I wish I had read it before I started dating. My life would have been much more pleasant and have less losery boyfriends in my past.
Next up is The Christmas Sweater by Glenn Beck. Ok, I know #1 Glenn Beck talk show and radio talk show host that again not everyone loves. When he is not ranting about politics he is actually pretty damn funny. I have seen him live and actually met him once. He is a pretty cool guy despite what people say. #2 I know it isn't Christmas anymore but I have heard so many good things about this book and it was a super deal.
Last but not least my vacation book, I purchased Twilight by Stephenie Meyer to see what all the hype is about. Since I like Anne Rice and Vampirreirey (yes it is a word I just invented it so yna) stuff I thought what the hell, it is on sale. I figured that the demographic for this is young adults so I won't strain a brain muscle trying to read it on vacation. I don't care if people see me reading it poolside because I will never see them again in my life. This comes from the idea I should be reading something more profound like Catcher in the Rye or A Raisin in the Sun.
The cool thing about all these books is they came from a really neat book store called Rainy Day Pal books. It is located in a historic restored Mill In Lexington, SC. The store is chalked full of all kinds of books dirt cheap! I got 50% off of retail on all the books and they are all hard back in great condition. Some of the books there are new and used. The best part of all you can trade them in for credit toward your next purchase! Neato bandito!
E Books are cool and all but there is just some thing tactile and cool about having a book. The smell of the glue and paper, the artwork on the dust cover. Roaming around cool old bookstores and looking at all the different books. Wondering how much collected time is invested in them all.
You can blame my love of reading and books on Levar Burton. Yes, Levar Burton, Jordi Laforge to some of you fellow geeks. Yes Mr. Levar Burton and his Reading Rainbow. Me and all my other fellow elementary school mates would sing the Reading Rainbow song when it came on. (I am laughing to myself because if anyone who reads this is around my age they now have that song stuck in their head). I always dreamt of being one of those kids that reviewed a book and ended it with "You don't have to take my word for it".
Sunday, April 5, 2009
I have great news to share, I am now down a few more pounds to 311! Thirty nine pounds lost since October 2008. I am also a total of three dress sizes down.
Exercising and moving more everyday has been helping with strength, stamina and mobility. I have noticed very small changes that make me feel great. I can squat and bend better. I am more comfortable riding in a car. Booths at restaurants are not a source of anxiety anymore. (Those of you with big tummies and abdomens know exactly what I mean)
I have had sort of a revelation when it comes to food. I always thought you under eat then over exercise and boom you lose weight. Nope. Not so simple. I found that the days I ate the least the scale did not move. The scale would not move for days on end. Then I threw my hands up and said I have to do something. I started looking into eating more nutritious food not just less of it. I found a great website nutritiondata.com. My diet was not very well balanced. My daily requirements of nutrition were not being met. When I am eating a good balance of carbs, fruits, veggies, protein, fats (the good kind), I lose weight. I was hitting plateaus be cause I was either lacking a food group or some sort of nutrition OR I was not eating enough to sustain me.
Your body actually needs a certain amount of calories just to survive. The trick is to eat that amount of calories you need to survive. Then you burn off enough to trick your body into using it's fat cells. The side effects of not eating enough were irritability, feeling queasy, dizzy and faint.
During my plateau surfing I noticed something disturbing, (WARNING possible T.M.I .alert here) I became very irregular. From 1x a day to once every 2 days, to once every three days, then every four days. This worried me. I contacted my pharmacist and the Phentermine I am on can mess with my digestive function. She suggested milk of magnesia, bad bad idea. I have had issues with gastric reflux disease and occasionally have flare ups. Apparently milk of magnesia plus phentermine plus gastric reflux=human water wiggle. For 24 hours I became way too intimate with my bathroom decor. I saw my Dr. a few days later I saw my Dr. and I he suggested adding a fiber supplement and gave me a Rx in case that didn't work. All I can say is thank God for Benefiber. It doesn't taste or smell or turn me into a human whoopee cushion that has to stay at least 10 feet within a bathroom at all times.
So since the nutrition revelation and the correction of "movement" problems I have gone down a few more pounds. Hooray for success!