Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Letting Go

I had mentioned that I had to let friends go in a previous post. I wanted to expand on that.  I had a friend who has battled addiction for a long time in her life. I was not aware of this until the last few years of our friendship. We always had a co-dependent relationship. It became toxic over the last few years.
The drug addiction started out as experimentation, partying and then escalated into full blown junky/addict hell. I was on the sidelines watching all of it like a train wreck in slow motion.
 I had a lot of people warning me that our relationship wasn't good for me. I wanted to be the stoic friend who held on no matter what. I wanted to be the heroine who did not forsake her friend. Blah blah martyr blah de martyr blah.
It seemed like her problems became bigger than anything positive I was getting out of our relationship. I gave money I didn't have to give, time I should have spent on myself. I gave and gave and gave and gave. I suppose I did this so I wouldn't have to pay attention to the mess that had become my own life. It was so much easier to look at someone else's world and help than to deal with my own.
Any time I tried to discuss my issues or ask for advice I never got as much as I gave. It was always "I don't know what to say.", or on to the next subject about myself. Most of the time it was simply ignored. When I was treated poorly I would blame the drugs, or the boyfriend, or being overworked, or being in a bad situation. The simple truth of it all I was being abused and used and was completely oblivious to it.
While I am off flying the banner of "True Blue Friend" my life is just disintegrating. My job performance suffering, my weight  skyrocketing, and my friends and family distancing themselves. I was in falling apart while trying to put someone else back together. Before I knew it I had no other close friends and one person I called my friend who really wasn't.
There were warning signs. Occasionally I would grow a back bone when she crossed the line and insulted me or insinuated that I was not a good friend. We would stop speaking for months sometimes a year. Then there was the tear jerking phone call that would reel me back in to her insane world. I would take her back because I was lonely and had a chance to be the knight in shining armor again.
I let her move in with me and gave her money. I bought make up, pre paid phone, cigarettes, helped with a resume, and didn't ask for a dime in return. Within a couple weeks a tear filled confession that she had slipped and gone off and done drugs. She begged me not to tell my husband. That was a line I was not willing to cross. We stopped talking for over a year.
After another teary phone call I started talking to her again. She was clean and sober and I thought it was worth it to give things another try. She began obsessing over writing to death row inmates during this time! She became obsessed with one man and "fell in love" with him. She said that he was good for her and was helping her. I tried to go on, I was mystified, but, played along. She broke up with her boyfriend for this person. He committed suicide shortly afterward and she didn't seem phased much. This really shocked me but I kept my distance and continued to talk to her.
Then she began sending out letters and emails to me about petitioning states to stop executions. I ignored them and admired her tenacity with which she went about them. Then I started getting text messages from her that were four and five pages long. I have no text plan (gasp...I know...I prefer to speak to people) so I let her know that and that each text was costing me money. She flipped out and sent me a diatribe of hatred filled text that was 7 messages long.
It was clear how she felt about me and what she knew about me as a person. She knew absolutely nothing. Everything she said wasn't true or from out of left field. She had been basically using me as a free psychologist, atm, mother, and all around sucker of the month. I was so angry, stunned and most of all I felt stupid.
All of the years of being suckered in and abused became crystal clear. I was a victim of a person who manipulated me for years and I was naive and blind to it all. I think in the back of my mind I knew what was going on but I chose to ignore it.
On some levels we were good friends and she knew me better than a lot of people in certain ways. We used to have a lot of fun when we were younger. I think in my mind I was waiting for that person to re-emerge. She never did. In hindsight this pattern had been repeated with all of her relationships. She would show people one side of her and when the dark and ugly showed up she dumped them. Blamed all the problems on that person and moved on to the next victim.
I perpetually made myself her victim over and over and over. I felt so stupid for letting myself play the fool over and over. I felt heart ache for wasting so much time love and energy to have it thrown away with out a second thought. I felt discarded and used and most of all just plain stupid.
I took my time and sent her an email explaining exactly how I felt. Why did I do this you ask? For me. I wanted to say everything I felt needed to be said. I wanted her to know what I felt and how I felt about how she treated me. I did it for no one else but myself. This was my closure.
Of course I got an ugly response with the craziest of responses, a threat to reported to the FBI for internet harassment. Needless to say I am not in the pokey playing spades with a bunch of women.
It has been a couple of months since that happened and I have for the most part made peace with it. I am moving on and focusing on my real friends and myself. It has been hard because it is so difficult to look in the mirror and face your own issues after you have been ignoring them for so long.
I am moving on with better friends and a healthier perspective. I am now wary of letting people cross boundaries with me and defending myself from predators.
More to come on life improvements.
Take care.

Monday, June 20, 2011

New Day

I battled my insomnia AGAIN last night. I couldn't seem to stop thinking about new beginnings, starting over, starting again. Since my birthday was last week and I am beginning a whole new week I am resolving to try to be healthier. Everyday take a step toward being healthier everyday. No matter how small the step or the accomplishment I am going to do SOMETHING.
I have been in this downward spiral of self destruction for months. I seem to keep procrastinating on dieting, exercise, organization and housework. You name it I have been putting it off. I think it is some sort of self punishment.
I have lost one very close friend of mine (by choice) this year. Which was really hard. Sometimes you  have to realize when a person is bringing more chaos and harm to your life than anything positive. I have also cut ties with members of my family that were judgemental and extremely toxic to me. That was extremely difficult to say the least. These folks have been placing blame, shame and judgement on me for years. They were purposely excluding me and other family members from events and just all around being a-holes. So I figured why on earth should I keep up the facade and sticking out the olive branch only to draw back a charred hand. What was the point?
I think that coming to terms with losing all these people really hurt me. I know it is only natural to be depressed about doing all of this. I suppose it was the manner in which both groups left me. (which is another blog for another day)
Today I actually feel hopeful. I don't feel the residue of the angst/stress/shame/(insert negative ugly feeling). I think to mask the problems I have been eating my problems and avoiding the issues and pretending like they weren't there. I think that I eat so I don't have to feel. Which is the exact same reason people (self included) drink or do drugs or have sex etc. That way we can stay numb to all the things that we don't want to deal with.
I finally feel like I can walk away from all that crap and leave it behind. I feel so much lighter even though I haven't lost a pound.
I will expand on most of this later.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Happy Father's Day from Monkey Man

(Disclaimer I totally stole this from The Daily Balance because it was such a beautiful idea)

Dear DaDa,

I love you more than I can actually say. I wish I could talk so I asked MaMa to tell you how I feel.
I am so happy that you and Mommy decided to fall in love then take that love and make me.
I want to thank you for the nights you slept with me so Mommy could get some rest when I was just a little baby. I want to thank you for staying in the hospital with me and putting me in your little cot so I could rest better. I want to thank you for rocking me to sleep before I could fall asleep on my own.
I love the "baby secrets" you whisper in my ear and make me laugh and listen in awed silence.
You make me so happy when you get on the floor and play with me. When you come home from work I am so happy that you are there. I miss you so much. I know you work so hard so Mommy can be with me all day. I know that Mommy appreciates that too.
Thank you for taking over for Mommy when she needs a break, I love being the center of your attention.
I can't wait until you can throw a ball to me, go running with me, and show me how to ride a bike.
It will be so much fun when you teach me how to drive, swim, and how to be a man.
I know that you will be a great father, best man, and grandpa.
I thank God that you are my Daddy because you are the best one for me.
Happy Father's Day Dada.
Love, Robbie

Monday, June 13, 2011


Hello anyone who may still remember this blog. I could give you a million excuses as to why I haven't been blogging. None of them are very good. Some of them are fairly legit.
Robbie for one has kept me running my behind off. Post partum depression which I have been battling is probably the true culprit. Good ol procrastination is definitely a contributor.
So what am I up to these days? Number one chasing after my son who is now learning how to walk. Number two I am watching kids after school and now just one all day for the summer. I love working from home and being able to be a stay at home Mom. I do miss working with adults and having adult conversations. Some days I am so happy to see my husband walking through the door so I can have a conversation about something other than poop and barbies.
Life has had a lot of ups and downs. I have had to really re-evaluate my friends and family which has been excruciatingly hard. I have had to let a few people go on their merry way and welcome back some old friends. I have actually had to cut off people from my own family which has been REALLY hard. When I realized that they weren't who I thought they were. When I realized that for my own emotional well being I would be better off not speaking to them it was a bitter pill to swallow.
I have been battling weight gain big time. I have gained back a lot of what I lost before getting pregnant. that has played hell on my self esteem. I am struggling to find my way back to being as motivated as I was when I wrote this blog.
I think avoiding writing has been a symptom of all the problems I have been facing. I believe that actually articulating the issues I am dealing with would make them more "real". Getting back to writing has been something I have been putting off, even though I know I enjoy it so much.
Why do we do that to ourselves? Working out is the same as dieting and blogging for me. When I do work out I love it and enjoy it so much. Just getting myself to the gym has proved impossible. I don't know what I am so afraid of. I don't know what I am worried about? The stares? I have dealt with that before and over come it. The comments? I have heard those too and got over it? Worrying about Robbie in the day care area? I could let David watch him and be just fine. The truth is there is no excuse. I have made up a litany of good reasons not to go. The real reason is probably laziness.
I can certainly find a few minutes to rattle off what ever is on my mind to my blog. Be damned correct grammar and editing the hell out of it. At least I would be writing again. That feeds my soul and my passions. I know I can find time to exercise, I have a friend who has four children, a god daughter, a husband, a full time job and SHE has found time to exercise. So I know I can too. There are thousands of people who have lost a lot more weight than I have, and I have done it before SO I CAN TOO.
It feels so nice to blog again. I don't know if I have an audience anymore. I guess that really doesn't matter. Truthfully this is more for me than anyone else.
I am excited to be back. I am going to start getting back the things that bring me joy personally.
And now for some gratuitous Robbie pictures: