Back!

Hello anyone who may still remember this blog. I could give you a million excuses as to why I haven't been blogging. None of them are very good. Some of them are fairly legit.
Robbie for one has kept me running my behind off. Post partum depression which I have been battling is probably the true culprit. Good ol procrastination is definitely a contributor.
So what am I up to these days? Number one chasing after my son who is now learning how to walk. Number two I am watching kids after school and now just one all day for the summer. I love working from home and being able to be a stay at home Mom. I do miss working with adults and having adult conversations. Some days I am so happy to see my husband walking through the door so I can have a conversation about something other than poop and barbies.
Life has had a lot of ups and downs. I have had to really re-evaluate my friends and family which has been excruciatingly hard. I have had to let a few people go on their merry way and welcome back some old friends. I have actually had to cut off people from my own family which has been REALLY hard. When I realized that they weren't who I thought they were. When I realized that for my own emotional well being I would be better off not speaking to them it was a bitter pill to swallow.
I have been battling weight gain big time. I have gained back a lot of what I lost before getting pregnant. that has played hell on my self esteem. I am struggling to find my way back to being as motivated as I was when I wrote this blog.
I think avoiding writing has been a symptom of all the problems I have been facing. I believe that actually articulating the issues I am dealing with would make them more "real". Getting back to writing has been something I have been putting off, even though I know I enjoy it so much.
Why do we do that to ourselves? Working out is the same as dieting and blogging for me. When I do work out I love it and enjoy it so much. Just getting myself to the gym has proved impossible. I don't know what I am so afraid of. I don't know what I am worried about? The stares? I have dealt with that before and over come it. The comments? I have heard those too and got over it? Worrying about Robbie in the day care area? I could let David watch him and be just fine. The truth is there is no excuse. I have made up a litany of good reasons not to go. The real reason is probably laziness.
I can certainly find a few minutes to rattle off what ever is on my mind to my blog. Be damned correct grammar and editing the hell out of it. At least I would be writing again. That feeds my soul and my passions. I know I can find time to exercise, I have a friend who has four children, a god daughter, a husband, a full time job and SHE has found time to exercise. So I know I can too. There are thousands of people who have lost a lot more weight than I have, and I have done it before SO I CAN TOO.
It feels so nice to blog again. I don't know if I have an audience anymore. I guess that really doesn't matter. Truthfully this is more for me than anyone else.
I am excited to be back. I am going to start getting back the things that bring me joy personally.
And now for some gratuitous Robbie pictures:

Robbie Update

The little turkey I am baking currently weighs 6.8 pounds. He is fully cooked and can make his debut at any time now. He is currently parked upside down like a giant baby question mark. His butt is under my right rib and his feet are firmly planted under my left rib. He is practice breathing and we got to watch him take a few breaths. His lil' tummy was full of amniotic fluid so we could tell he was practice swallowing and suckling. We could actually see him fuzzy head so he has some hair going on up there. His cheeks are nice and chubby and round.
The only cause for a small amount for concern is that the umbilical cord is draped around his back and neck. It is not pulled tight and he could slip from beneath it. Maybe I need to hang upside down on the bed and wiggle my belly. (Lame attempt at humor) The tech called the Doctor who felt comfortable that he was breathing normally and practice breathing. She said there was no need for a fetal monitor. Of course I am nervous wreck about the whole thing and have been anxiously paying attention to make sure he is kicking and moving around in there. Which he has been quite a bit. Lots of thumps and bumps and stretches and bounces and even the occasional case of hiccups.
I have had this feeling the last few weeks that something is going to cause me to have a C Section. I would prefer not to, but, what ever makes sure Robbie gets here safe and sound is fine for me. We shall see what the Doctor has to say Thursday.
I have been trying to focus on other things since hearing this news yesterday which has been pretty much impossible. I am in a funk and I am worried, so any prayers and good thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
I am having flashbacks of what I was feeling right before my gallbladder surgery. I would not allow myself to get "too happy" about being pregnant or having a baby because of fear of losing him. Now that I have everything in place, he has a name; I have imagined myself with him. I can feel him moving, I have seen his face. It is all so real and I am scared. I haven't even officially met him yet and I don't want to lose him. I know I am probably jumping the gun and panicking for absolutely no good reason. Seeing the cord around him scared the hell out of me and I can’t shake that image no matter how many nice words were spoken. I feel like I need reassurance from the Doctor, a game plan, more information ANYTHING. I know that 3:00 on Thursday is only a couple days away but it seems like forever.
Ironically as I am typing Robbie is currently kicking the buhjeebus out of me making my belly shake. It is almost as if he is saying, " I am so screwed my Mom is a neurotic mess! Would you chillax lady!"
I have been told that this worrying thing will never end...even when he is all growed up....sigh......

Return of Superpucky

First of all let me apologize to anyone who may still be reading this blog for my absenteeism. I am back! YaY!
Lots of things have happened since we last spoke. Working and being pregnant and a myriad of other things have stood between me and my blog. Which has been tough for me because I find it to be a great stress relief and creative outlet.
I have quit my job! Hoorah! Much joy and rejoicing. This was not by any means an easy decision. There was lots of prayer, tears, gnashing of teeth, tearing of clothes, wailing, examining of budget etc.. While I worked I managed to pay off five credit cards and a truck load of hospital bills. Unfortunately I still have about 900.00 left of my ER/surgery bill.
We had to decide on sacrifices for the cause. We have discovered the joys of TV without cable, cooking almost exclusively at home, going to the park, you know...things that are cheap and free. Cutting out cable was a savings of about 120.00 per month...thank you very much. It is amazing how much a person will pay for TV huh? I have slashed pretty much every luxury item in my budget. Buh-bye eating out, pedicures, going to movie theater, new clothes, vacation...you name it. We have discovered the library-checking out books and free movie rentals. I have discovered baby sitting in exchange for services such as hair cuts, future baby sitting and a little money.
The catalyst for quitting working was looking a the cost benefit ratio. I was floored to find out that the crappiest of daycares in my area would have been about 600.00-700.00 per month. I wouldn't be able to express milk at work to breast feed due to time constraints. So add in money for formula. My shift at work would have been 3:00 PM to 12:00 midnight off Sunday and Monday. YUCKO! My husband's shift is 11:00 AM and 8:00 PM so my poor baby would be in daycare from 10:30 AM -6:30 PM and then someone would have to watch him until 8:30 at night. Then my husband would have to watch him solo from 9:00 PM to 12:30 when I got home. Sounds delightful doesn't it?
I would be working to net an extra four to five hundred dollars per month and to allow someone else to raise my child. Not to mention all the stress that would place on me, my baby, my husband, my family, my marriage. All so we could have extra money for the next few years.
December of 2012 we will have a loan paid off that will give us some wiggle room in the budget. One of our vehicles will be paid off four months later. If we can just make it through this year and the next without major financial disaster life will be MUCH more comfortable. Hopefully there may be some raises for my husband in the mean time as well. We managed to squirrel away a little "oh crap" money in savings for insurance deductibles and expenses above and beyond our monthly expenses. I have paid enough off on the few credit cards that we have left to have some additional cushion.
This was truly a decision to step out in faith. The thought of being able to be with my child every single day is much more comforting to me that having padding in the bank account. I really had to examine my priorities. I don't care about having pricey clothes and presents and extra perks. I have gone through tougher leaner financial periods in my life, and knowing it won't last forever is reassuring.
On to more fun subjects. I have found out I am having a boy, his name will be Robbie. At my last ultrasound the sonographer exclaimed that my child had really big feet. Sure enough she brought his little tootsies up on the monitor and they were quite gargantuan. I even have pictures to prove it.
Monday I am going for another ultrasound to see how big Bigfoot Jr. really is. We are going to determine if C Section will be necessary or if we are going ahead as planned. Right now the plan is just to bring him into the world the old natural way. I am hoping that will be the case as I don't really want to have another surgery within a year of having ye' old evil gallbladder removed.
I have purchased just about everything I need for him. We even have about four or five months worth of diapers stockpiled up. The crib has been put together, the car seat and stroller are in his room. All the little clothes are washed and put away.
I have gained 40 pounds...not so hooray and huzzah. I don't think I am having a 35 pound child...at least I hope and pray I am not. Physically I am doing ok, my stamina is in the pooper and I get tuckered out pretty easily. A trip to Wal Mart really takes it out of me so I have to pace myself. I am getting up forty thousand times a night to pee. Everything is giving me heartburn right now so I should own stock in rolaids. Other than that I am feeling pretty good. I am having Braxton Hicks Contractions periodically now. My OB says that is a good thing it means I am progressing nicely. Robbie thinks the best place to keep his enormous feet are tucked under my left rib. He will push against my ribs and bounce his noggin on my poor bladder.
I am nesting like a maniac right now. I have managed to deep clean every room in my home. Now I am working on organization and fine tuning. I am happy to say that I have managed to accomplish all the major projects I wanted to.
Now I have to look in to pre-registration at the hospital, and a tour of the maternity ward.
More to come later I promise.