I battled my insomnia AGAIN last night. I couldn't seem to stop thinking about new beginnings, starting over, starting again. Since my birthday was last week and I am beginning a whole new week I am resolving to try to be healthier. Everyday take a step toward being healthier everyday. No matter how small the step or the accomplishment I am going to do SOMETHING.
I have been in this downward spiral of self destruction for months. I seem to keep procrastinating on dieting, exercise, organization and housework. You name it I have been putting it off. I think it is some sort of self punishment.
I have lost one very close friend of mine (by choice) this year. Which was really hard. Sometimes you have to realize when a person is bringing more chaos and harm to your life than anything positive. I have also cut ties with members of my family that were judgemental and extremely toxic to me. That was extremely difficult to say the least. These folks have been placing blame, shame and judgement on me for years. They were purposely excluding me and other family members from events and just all around being a-holes. So I figured why on earth should I keep up the facade and sticking out the olive branch only to draw back a charred hand. What was the point?
I think that coming to terms with losing all these people really hurt me. I know it is only natural to be depressed about doing all of this. I suppose it was the manner in which both groups left me. (which is another blog for another day)
Today I actually feel hopeful. I don't feel the residue of the angst/stress/shame/(insert negative ugly feeling). I think to mask the problems I have been eating my problems and avoiding the issues and pretending like they weren't there. I think that I eat so I don't have to feel. Which is the exact same reason people (self included) drink or do drugs or have sex etc. That way we can stay numb to all the things that we don't want to deal with.
I finally feel like I can walk away from all that crap and leave it behind. I feel so much lighter even though I haven't lost a pound.
I will expand on most of this later.
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