Letting Go

I had mentioned that I had to let friends go in a previous post. I wanted to expand on that.  I had a friend who has battled addiction for a long time in her life. I was not aware of this until the last few years of our friendship. We always had a co-dependent relationship. It became toxic over the last few years.
The drug addiction started out as experimentation, partying and then escalated into full blown junky/addict hell. I was on the sidelines watching all of it like a train wreck in slow motion.
 I had a lot of people warning me that our relationship wasn't good for me. I wanted to be the stoic friend who held on no matter what. I wanted to be the heroine who did not forsake her friend. Blah blah martyr blah de martyr blah.
It seemed like her problems became bigger than anything positive I was getting out of our relationship. I gave money I didn't have to give, time I should have spent on myself. I gave and gave and gave and gave. I suppose I did this so I wouldn't have to pay attention to the mess that had become my own life. It was so much easier to look at someone else's world and help than to deal with my own.
Any time I tried to discuss my issues or ask for advice I never got as much as I gave. It was always "I don't know what to say.", or on to the next subject about myself. Most of the time it was simply ignored. When I was treated poorly I would blame the drugs, or the boyfriend, or being overworked, or being in a bad situation. The simple truth of it all I was being abused and used and was completely oblivious to it.
While I am off flying the banner of "True Blue Friend" my life is just disintegrating. My job performance suffering, my weight  skyrocketing, and my friends and family distancing themselves. I was in falling apart while trying to put someone else back together. Before I knew it I had no other close friends and one person I called my friend who really wasn't.
There were warning signs. Occasionally I would grow a back bone when she crossed the line and insulted me or insinuated that I was not a good friend. We would stop speaking for months sometimes a year. Then there was the tear jerking phone call that would reel me back in to her insane world. I would take her back because I was lonely and had a chance to be the knight in shining armor again.
I let her move in with me and gave her money. I bought make up, pre paid phone, cigarettes, helped with a resume, and didn't ask for a dime in return. Within a couple weeks a tear filled confession that she had slipped and gone off and done drugs. She begged me not to tell my husband. That was a line I was not willing to cross. We stopped talking for over a year.
After another teary phone call I started talking to her again. She was clean and sober and I thought it was worth it to give things another try. She began obsessing over writing to death row inmates during this time! She became obsessed with one man and "fell in love" with him. She said that he was good for her and was helping her. I tried to go on, I was mystified, but, played along. She broke up with her boyfriend for this person. He committed suicide shortly afterward and she didn't seem phased much. This really shocked me but I kept my distance and continued to talk to her.
Then she began sending out letters and emails to me about petitioning states to stop executions. I ignored them and admired her tenacity with which she went about them. Then I started getting text messages from her that were four and five pages long. I have no text plan (gasp...I know...I prefer to speak to people) so I let her know that and that each text was costing me money. She flipped out and sent me a diatribe of hatred filled text that was 7 messages long.
It was clear how she felt about me and what she knew about me as a person. She knew absolutely nothing. Everything she said wasn't true or from out of left field. She had been basically using me as a free psychologist, atm, mother, and all around sucker of the month. I was so angry, stunned and most of all I felt stupid.
All of the years of being suckered in and abused became crystal clear. I was a victim of a person who manipulated me for years and I was naive and blind to it all. I think in the back of my mind I knew what was going on but I chose to ignore it.
On some levels we were good friends and she knew me better than a lot of people in certain ways. We used to have a lot of fun when we were younger. I think in my mind I was waiting for that person to re-emerge. She never did. In hindsight this pattern had been repeated with all of her relationships. She would show people one side of her and when the dark and ugly showed up she dumped them. Blamed all the problems on that person and moved on to the next victim.
I perpetually made myself her victim over and over and over. I felt so stupid for letting myself play the fool over and over. I felt heart ache for wasting so much time love and energy to have it thrown away with out a second thought. I felt discarded and used and most of all just plain stupid.
I took my time and sent her an email explaining exactly how I felt. Why did I do this you ask? For me. I wanted to say everything I felt needed to be said. I wanted her to know what I felt and how I felt about how she treated me. I did it for no one else but myself. This was my closure.
Of course I got an ugly response with the craziest of responses, a threat to reported to the FBI for internet harassment. Needless to say I am not in the pokey playing spades with a bunch of women.
It has been a couple of months since that happened and I have for the most part made peace with it. I am moving on and focusing on my real friends and myself. It has been hard because it is so difficult to look in the mirror and face your own issues after you have been ignoring them for so long.
I am moving on with better friends and a healthier perspective. I am now wary of letting people cross boundaries with me and defending myself from predators.
More to come on life improvements.
Take care.

New Day

I battled my insomnia AGAIN last night. I couldn't seem to stop thinking about new beginnings, starting over, starting again. Since my birthday was last week and I am beginning a whole new week I am resolving to try to be healthier. Everyday take a step toward being healthier everyday. No matter how small the step or the accomplishment I am going to do SOMETHING.
I have been in this downward spiral of self destruction for months. I seem to keep procrastinating on dieting, exercise, organization and housework. You name it I have been putting it off. I think it is some sort of self punishment.
I have lost one very close friend of mine (by choice) this year. Which was really hard. Sometimes you  have to realize when a person is bringing more chaos and harm to your life than anything positive. I have also cut ties with members of my family that were judgemental and extremely toxic to me. That was extremely difficult to say the least. These folks have been placing blame, shame and judgement on me for years. They were purposely excluding me and other family members from events and just all around being a-holes. So I figured why on earth should I keep up the facade and sticking out the olive branch only to draw back a charred hand. What was the point?
I think that coming to terms with losing all these people really hurt me. I know it is only natural to be depressed about doing all of this. I suppose it was the manner in which both groups left me. (which is another blog for another day)
Today I actually feel hopeful. I don't feel the residue of the angst/stress/shame/(insert negative ugly feeling). I think to mask the problems I have been eating my problems and avoiding the issues and pretending like they weren't there. I think that I eat so I don't have to feel. Which is the exact same reason people (self included) drink or do drugs or have sex etc. That way we can stay numb to all the things that we don't want to deal with.
I finally feel like I can walk away from all that crap and leave it behind. I feel so much lighter even though I haven't lost a pound.
I will expand on most of this later.
A

Happy Father's Day from Monkey Man

(Disclaimer I totally stole this from The Daily Balance because it was such a beautiful idea)

Dear DaDa,

I love you more than I can actually say. I wish I could talk so I asked MaMa to tell you how I feel.
I am so happy that you and Mommy decided to fall in love then take that love and make me.
I want to thank you for the nights you slept with me so Mommy could get some rest when I was just a little baby. I want to thank you for staying in the hospital with me and putting me in your little cot so I could rest better. I want to thank you for rocking me to sleep before I could fall asleep on my own.
I love the "baby secrets" you whisper in my ear and make me laugh and listen in awed silence.
You make me so happy when you get on the floor and play with me. When you come home from work I am so happy that you are there. I miss you so much. I know you work so hard so Mommy can be with me all day. I know that Mommy appreciates that too.
Thank you for taking over for Mommy when she needs a break, I love being the center of your attention.
I can't wait until you can throw a ball to me, go running with me, and show me how to ride a bike.
It will be so much fun when you teach me how to drive, swim, and how to be a man.
I know that you will be a great father, best man, and grandpa.
I thank God that you are my Daddy because you are the best one for me.
Happy Father's Day Dada.
Love, Robbie

Back!

Hello anyone who may still remember this blog. I could give you a million excuses as to why I haven't been blogging. None of them are very good. Some of them are fairly legit.
Robbie for one has kept me running my behind off. Post partum depression which I have been battling is probably the true culprit. Good ol procrastination is definitely a contributor.
So what am I up to these days? Number one chasing after my son who is now learning how to walk. Number two I am watching kids after school and now just one all day for the summer. I love working from home and being able to be a stay at home Mom. I do miss working with adults and having adult conversations. Some days I am so happy to see my husband walking through the door so I can have a conversation about something other than poop and barbies.
Life has had a lot of ups and downs. I have had to really re-evaluate my friends and family which has been excruciatingly hard. I have had to let a few people go on their merry way and welcome back some old friends. I have actually had to cut off people from my own family which has been REALLY hard. When I realized that they weren't who I thought they were. When I realized that for my own emotional well being I would be better off not speaking to them it was a bitter pill to swallow.
I have been battling weight gain big time. I have gained back a lot of what I lost before getting pregnant. that has played hell on my self esteem. I am struggling to find my way back to being as motivated as I was when I wrote this blog.
I think avoiding writing has been a symptom of all the problems I have been facing. I believe that actually articulating the issues I am dealing with would make them more "real". Getting back to writing has been something I have been putting off, even though I know I enjoy it so much.
Why do we do that to ourselves? Working out is the same as dieting and blogging for me. When I do work out I love it and enjoy it so much. Just getting myself to the gym has proved impossible. I don't know what I am so afraid of. I don't know what I am worried about? The stares? I have dealt with that before and over come it. The comments? I have heard those too and got over it? Worrying about Robbie in the day care area? I could let David watch him and be just fine. The truth is there is no excuse. I have made up a litany of good reasons not to go. The real reason is probably laziness.
I can certainly find a few minutes to rattle off what ever is on my mind to my blog. Be damned correct grammar and editing the hell out of it. At least I would be writing again. That feeds my soul and my passions. I know I can find time to exercise, I have a friend who has four children, a god daughter, a husband, a full time job and SHE has found time to exercise. So I know I can too. There are thousands of people who have lost a lot more weight than I have, and I have done it before SO I CAN TOO.
It feels so nice to blog again. I don't know if I have an audience anymore. I guess that really doesn't matter. Truthfully this is more for me than anyone else.
I am excited to be back. I am going to start getting back the things that bring me joy personally.
And now for some gratuitous Robbie pictures:

D DAY!!!

I don't have a lot of time as I have mucho preperations to make.
Tomorow AM: Doctor+Fuzband+SuperPucky+induction=BIRTH OF SUPERBABY!
I have eight billion things to run around in circles to get done.
More details to come as soon as possible and delicious baby pictures...SQUEE!!

T Minus 15 Days and Counting..Tick....Tick...Tiiick

I am growing another person inside of me, and they want OUT. I mean push my enormous canoe feet against your tummy forty bajillion times a minute OOOuuuTTAHhh. I am amazed, enthralled and terrified all at once. I mere person here am creating a whole other person that I, me, myself and my husband will be RESPONSIBLE for. Like for food...and shelter and....for psychological well being! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa((run around room screaming into other room and back)) aaaaaaack!
I mean I do not want to be the subject of "how my mother ruined my life" visit number 342 to therapist. I want my child to look back all misty eyed about how we used to make chocolatey chip cookies on cold rainy afternoons and I was the bestus Mommy ever! (Waking back up from hormonal coma)
I am full of conflicting emotions...one minute I want this gymnast/monkey/drummer/baby thing out of me...the next moment I want him to stay put because he is safe in there and no one can hurt his little baby feelings. Besides I know the different ways he can come out...and they all involve pain.
Physically I feel like someone has sucked every morsel of energy from my body. I have to psych myself up to go cook dinner, do laundry, go to the grocery store, clean the kitchen, and go pee for the forty billionth time.
Amazingly through out the other 38 weeks of this pregnancy I have not had any significant back pain. I have suffered from it in the past and fully expected to have a LOT of issues with it. I should have knocked on an entire forest somewhere. Week 38 has arrived and so has the pain. It now wakes me up at night and hits mid afternoon and sometimesdrives me to lie in bed. It is when this strikes that the "Get him ooooooout of meeeee!" starts to rear its head. Then the fear of him actually coming out of me returns and I rub my belly and say "stay put for a while".
That and I panic-ordered some nursing bras day before yesterday. To my alarm I was reading in a book how it is not unusual during engorgement to swell to three to four times your normal breast size. On a good day I can give Dolly Parton and Pam Anderson a run for their money. I have a feeling after engorgement I am going to look like a flipping Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade float or one of those balloons with the rubber strings on the end that you punch over and over. So I ordered big bigger HOLY CRAP THE HUMANITY! sized nursing bras. One of them has cups so huge I can wear them as a little house on the prairie hat. I..am...not..kidding...at..all. If I have to throw Robbie out a window during a fire I can tie my bra to him and use it as a parachute so he can float safely to earth. I am telling you people this is circus freak huge scary....this baby better breast feed like a champ.
Now I am fully appreciating the "Martyr Mommy" speech of "I carried you around on swollen ankles for 9 months...blah blah blah...".

SuperPucky Edition of Cribs

I finally got off my behind and took pictures of Robbie's Room. Disclaimer: I had a VERY limited budget. I also waited too late to paint the room, not that it is in the budget to get painted anyways. Someday I will get around to slapping a coat of paint up. I made the Froggay picture frame and letters. I am going to put a picture of SuperPucky, Fuzband and Superbaby in it. I also stained the container on the right hand side with coffee grounds. So if Robbie grows up addicted to coffee I will know why. Wow...I need to steam that curtain. Don't you love the fact I already have laundry from him and he isn't even here yet?

This is Mr. Superbaby's bed. I want to get in it and go to sleep. The mobile he has is ultra cool. It projects pictures that rotate on to the little umbrella thingy and the umbrella rotates too. It plays nature sounds, lullabies and sounds from the womb. I got a little sleepy just testing it out. It even has a remote control so you can turn it back on without going back in the room completely. On the wall behind him is a FAA nightmare. There are airplanes, helicopters trains, dump trucks, ambulances, police cars, fire trucks and assorted vehicles flying through the air creating multiple collisions. I actually got all Martha Stewart and painted some of them myself.

"My First Mickey" came from Disney World last at this time year right around our anniversary. I knew we would start trying for a baby soon. I wanted him/her to get a souvenir from Disney too. I was torn if I wanted to get Mickey or Minnie and settled down on Mickey. Little did I know I would be having a boy at almost the exact same time the following year? (sniffle sniffle, mooshy mooshy-must be those hormones)

The Cars Poster is significant as in the fact that it was the movie that Fuzband and I saw on our first date. We held hands while watching the movie. It was so romanticle! These are the walls above the queen sized bed in Robbie's room. Since we have a smaller house and limited room. The nursery will double as a guest room. We have a pack and play in the living room that will serve as his back up crib when we have company. I got a Moses basket for the bedroom for the first few months before he starts sleeping through the night. It is the coolest thing. It is a pretty little basket meant to use the first few months of a baby's life. It can sit on the bed or on the trunk at the foot of my bed. I figured when he wakes me for third feeding of the night it may be more convenient to have him at arms length. After he outgrows it I thought it would be great for holding toys and other assorted items.

I am excited, I ordered a few books for Robbie today, I got him ABC's and Red Fish Blue Fish by Dr. Seuss and Goodnight Moon. I can't wait to read them to him. I got What to Expect the First Year for me and a book on breastfeeding.

I finally found a pediatrician and I will be meeting with her next week. The practice is really nice, and even has a lactation consultant on staff. I was surprised that not all pediatrician group practices offer this service. I figured since I am new at all of this I could use all the support I could get.

That is all for today...I need some lunch. Funny how the last few posts have ended with me going to lunch.

What A Weekend

My child is misbehaving already and he hasn't even escaped from the womb yet. Remember the whole counting kicks thingy I am doing each night?? Night number one went swimmingly with 10 plus kicks each hour between five and seven. Afternoon and night two (last Friday) not so much. He was VERY quiet all day, and when it came to kick counting time he gave me 5 weak kicks on hour one and maybe 6 or 7 wimpy kicks/nudges on hour two. This is when the anxiety...first time mommy panic began to set in. I called the OB on call and let him know what was going on. He said probably nothing, but go down to labor and delivery at the hospital and let them ultrasound you and put you on a fetal heart monitor.


Mr. Fuzband and I trotted on down to the hospital with hastily packed hospital bag, and frayed nerves. After checking in and getting strapped into the monitor guess who starts just a thumping away on me like a bass drum? You guessed it Mr. Superbaby himself. Little booger's heart rate was right up where it should have been. Just to make Mommy look like a complete newbie freak out queen he was moving all around during the ultrasound showing off both sets of chubby cheeks.

I do have to say the hospital I went to has a reeeheaaaly nice labor and delivery department. My room was nicer than some three star hotels I have stayed in. The bathroom was enormous with a walk in shower with a nice built in chair. The room is the type you labor and recover in so all the equipment was right there. The room itself was gigantic and well laid out. It had a beautiful and huge Italian landscape mural on the wall opposite the bed. The ceiling tiles above the bed were a smoky opaque with the images of leaves pressed into them. I suppose when I am cursing and sweating and grunting for all I got I will be staring at these leaves and they will make me feel "tranquil" (heh). The nurses were super nice and the doctor on call was very calming and reassuring. Over all I was impressed.

Saturday I finished up decorating Robbie's room. My theme is "going places" from Wally World. It is airplanes, cars, trucks, and other vehicles done in bright colors. I have to admit it came out nice. I mean if I were a discriminating baby I would be all like "Whoa...." and "dude!" Let's just put it this way, it was inexpensive and I liked it and it didn't scream fuzzy ducks, lambs, fluffy clouds, and kittens and bleh. I promise pictures will be forth coming. I am just a little swamped with housework today.

Today was grandpa weekend too, we got to see both grandpa's on either side and hooray and huzzah they both took us out to eat! This is big for the Fuzband and I as our eating out budget has been slashed to less than half of what it was. That and the fact that you know being 9 months pregnant eating out can be the highlight of your day. I got to eat salad and teryaki-cajun chicken wings with salad on Saturday and Mexican food Sunday. YUMMO!

We also managed to get the car seat bases installed into the truck and car this weekend. I don't know who designs these things but...wow...could you make it a little more of a pain in the arse?! After much head scratching and manual reading and even a google for you tube instructions we finally got the bases installed. The first try they were just flopping around. I am sure they would offer no protection/support in the event of some accident. Finally we discovered that "LATCH" system thingy inside the middle of the back seats and were all "DURR". If the instructions just explained in plain English what a "LATCH" system is and how to find it I am sure it would have taken oh about a MINUTE to install. I have never really understood the safety concerns of parents until now. Now I want to wrap my child in egg cartons and bubble wrap the minute he comes out of me.

Must run folks, the dryer is screaming at me and I think I need to find some lunch. My stomach is shaking hands with my backbone.

Superbaby Late Breaking News

I went to the baybee doctur todayee. (Reason for spelling like a spelling challenged individual is for prevalent feelings of stupidity)
Verdict on Superbaby wearing his cord like a cape.....it is normal, you shouldn't worry...lots of babies do this blah dee blah blah blur blee blah blur stop worrying you newbie Mom. My Doctor did however give me the choice of having a scheduled induction. Since I am a complete newcomer to all of this and a panicky new Mommy I let him make the call. Seeing as how he does this every day and this is,.... uhhh my very first baby. I figured his judgment call may be better than mine. He felt like letting Robbie show up on his own timeframe would give me the best chance for a vaginal delivery. Since I don't want to jump straight to a C Section unless it is absolutely necessary I was ok with his idea. The idea of knowing when he would be born really appealed to my inner control freak. Sensing that this was a snap decision, I decided to opt for the choice that requires more patience and allows Mother Nature to do her job.
As a safety precaution we are going to have weekly fetal monitoring via ultrasound and heart monitor. That way we can makes sure he hasn't decided to make the cord into a bow tie, or started putting in modular shelving. I am also on kick counting duty; I have to count kicks and bumps and thumps every evening between 5-7 pm. Each hour he should kick/move 10 times an hour. Anything less than 10 kicks an hour and I call the answering service and come in for monitoring at the hospital. We will continue with the monitoring for the next few weeks and base any further decision on the monitoring.
I feel pretty comfortable with his decision and advice. After all I am going to the best high risk OB clinic in my area and you can't get in without a referral. It is not as if this is the opinion of a gaggle of well meaning friends who have no medical training, or what my horoscope felt was the best thing to do.
That is all for now folks. I am going to forage for food in the kitchen.

Robbie Update

The little turkey I am baking currently weighs 6.8 pounds. He is fully cooked and can make his debut at any time now. He is currently parked upside down like a giant baby question mark. His butt is under my right rib and his feet are firmly planted under my left rib. He is practice breathing and we got to watch him take a few breaths. His lil' tummy was full of amniotic fluid so we could tell he was practice swallowing and suckling. We could actually see him fuzzy head so he has some hair going on up there. His cheeks are nice and chubby and round.
The only cause for a small amount for concern is that the umbilical cord is draped around his back and neck. It is not pulled tight and he could slip from beneath it. Maybe I need to hang upside down on the bed and wiggle my belly. (Lame attempt at humor) The tech called the Doctor who felt comfortable that he was breathing normally and practice breathing. She said there was no need for a fetal monitor. Of course I am nervous wreck about the whole thing and have been anxiously paying attention to make sure he is kicking and moving around in there. Which he has been quite a bit. Lots of thumps and bumps and stretches and bounces and even the occasional case of hiccups.
I have had this feeling the last few weeks that something is going to cause me to have a C Section. I would prefer not to, but, what ever makes sure Robbie gets here safe and sound is fine for me. We shall see what the Doctor has to say Thursday.
I have been trying to focus on other things since hearing this news yesterday which has been pretty much impossible. I am in a funk and I am worried, so any prayers and good thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
I am having flashbacks of what I was feeling right before my gallbladder surgery. I would not allow myself to get "too happy" about being pregnant or having a baby because of fear of losing him. Now that I have everything in place, he has a name; I have imagined myself with him. I can feel him moving, I have seen his face. It is all so real and I am scared. I haven't even officially met him yet and I don't want to lose him. I know I am probably jumping the gun and panicking for absolutely no good reason. Seeing the cord around him scared the hell out of me and I can’t shake that image no matter how many nice words were spoken. I feel like I need reassurance from the Doctor, a game plan, more information ANYTHING. I know that 3:00 on Thursday is only a couple days away but it seems like forever.
Ironically as I am typing Robbie is currently kicking the buhjeebus out of me making my belly shake. It is almost as if he is saying, " I am so screwed my Mom is a neurotic mess! Would you chillax lady!"
I have been told that this worrying thing will never end...even when he is all growed up....sigh......

Return of Superpucky

First of all let me apologize to anyone who may still be reading this blog for my absenteeism. I am back! YaY!
Lots of things have happened since we last spoke. Working and being pregnant and a myriad of other things have stood between me and my blog. Which has been tough for me because I find it to be a great stress relief and creative outlet.
I have quit my job! Hoorah! Much joy and rejoicing. This was not by any means an easy decision. There was lots of prayer, tears, gnashing of teeth, tearing of clothes, wailing, examining of budget etc.. While I worked I managed to pay off five credit cards and a truck load of hospital bills. Unfortunately I still have about 900.00 left of my ER/surgery bill.
We had to decide on sacrifices for the cause. We have discovered the joys of TV without cable, cooking almost exclusively at home, going to the park, you know...things that are cheap and free. Cutting out cable was a savings of about 120.00 per month...thank you very much. It is amazing how much a person will pay for TV huh? I have slashed pretty much every luxury item in my budget. Buh-bye eating out, pedicures, going to movie theater, new clothes, vacation...you name it. We have discovered the library-checking out books and free movie rentals. I have discovered baby sitting in exchange for services such as hair cuts, future baby sitting and a little money.
The catalyst for quitting working was looking a the cost benefit ratio. I was floored to find out that the crappiest of daycares in my area would have been about 600.00-700.00 per month. I wouldn't be able to express milk at work to breast feed due to time constraints. So add in money for formula. My shift at work would have been 3:00 PM to 12:00 midnight off Sunday and Monday. YUCKO! My husband's shift is 11:00 AM and 8:00 PM so my poor baby would be in daycare from 10:30 AM -6:30 PM and then someone would have to watch him until 8:30 at night. Then my husband would have to watch him solo from 9:00 PM to 12:30 when I got home. Sounds delightful doesn't it?
I would be working to net an extra four to five hundred dollars per month and to allow someone else to raise my child. Not to mention all the stress that would place on me, my baby, my husband, my family, my marriage. All so we could have extra money for the next few years.
December of 2012 we will have a loan paid off that will give us some wiggle room in the budget. One of our vehicles will be paid off four months later. If we can just make it through this year and the next without major financial disaster life will be MUCH more comfortable. Hopefully there may be some raises for my husband in the mean time as well. We managed to squirrel away a little "oh crap" money in savings for insurance deductibles and expenses above and beyond our monthly expenses. I have paid enough off on the few credit cards that we have left to have some additional cushion.
This was truly a decision to step out in faith. The thought of being able to be with my child every single day is much more comforting to me that having padding in the bank account. I really had to examine my priorities. I don't care about having pricey clothes and presents and extra perks. I have gone through tougher leaner financial periods in my life, and knowing it won't last forever is reassuring.
On to more fun subjects. I have found out I am having a boy, his name will be Robbie. At my last ultrasound the sonographer exclaimed that my child had really big feet. Sure enough she brought his little tootsies up on the monitor and they were quite gargantuan. I even have pictures to prove it.
Monday I am going for another ultrasound to see how big Bigfoot Jr. really is. We are going to determine if C Section will be necessary or if we are going ahead as planned. Right now the plan is just to bring him into the world the old natural way. I am hoping that will be the case as I don't really want to have another surgery within a year of having ye' old evil gallbladder removed.
I have purchased just about everything I need for him. We even have about four or five months worth of diapers stockpiled up. The crib has been put together, the car seat and stroller are in his room. All the little clothes are washed and put away.
I have gained 40 pounds...not so hooray and huzzah. I don't think I am having a 35 pound child...at least I hope and pray I am not. Physically I am doing ok, my stamina is in the pooper and I get tuckered out pretty easily. A trip to Wal Mart really takes it out of me so I have to pace myself. I am getting up forty thousand times a night to pee. Everything is giving me heartburn right now so I should own stock in rolaids. Other than that I am feeling pretty good. I am having Braxton Hicks Contractions periodically now. My OB says that is a good thing it means I am progressing nicely. Robbie thinks the best place to keep his enormous feet are tucked under my left rib. He will push against my ribs and bounce his noggin on my poor bladder.
I am nesting like a maniac right now. I have managed to deep clean every room in my home. Now I am working on organization and fine tuning. I am happy to say that I have managed to accomplish all the major projects I wanted to.
Now I have to look in to pre-registration at the hospital, and a tour of the maternity ward.
More to come later I promise.

Minus One Evil Organ

Mr. Wonderful Dr., "I would like to wait until you are 16 weeks pregnant at least before we perform surgery."
Gallbladder "Muhahahahahahahahaahahahah!!!! Watch this!" (Evil Villain Fuzzy mustache wiggle followed by excruciating pain and vomiting)
Last Monday my gallbladder bid adieu to my abdomen. Good riddance you dastardly thingy thing you!
They managed to perform the surgery lapriscopically(holy cow is that even a word!?). Let me tell anyone who ever has to get lapriscopic gallbladder surgery. The actual pain from the surgery is not that bad. It is the gas that will kick your behind. They blow CO2 into your belly and it likes to move around from your tummy to your shoulder. Let me tell you this hurt as bad as the gall bladder attacks, passing stones and any other pain I could imagine. Do NOT pass on the pain meds and pick up some Gas X, a heating pad, and a nice person who will rub your shoulder and beat on your back. The smartest thing I could think of was leaning on the back of a recliner and having the fuzband play bongos on my back. Burping has never ever felt so good.
The good news is that the baby is doing great and so am I. They gave me an ultrasound before and after the surgery. As usual the little astronaut was in there flipping, rolling, wiggling and rolling to and fro.
I am going back to work on Monday (I hope). I am actually a bit nervous about going back and I am not really sure why. I am afraid that some of the vital information I learned in training escaped with my gallbladder. I know I am being silly and I need to suck it up and go back to work.
Today I ventured out of the house for the first time for a small grocery trip and that just about kicked my butt. I felt like I just got over the flu...all tired and achy like. I had to get out of the house before my dogs started answering me when I talked to them.
Well that is the most coherent entry I could come up with. I am going to go before it all goes to poop.

The Missing Puck

I have to apologize to all Superpucky fans. I have been absentee. Partially due to slackerness and some just plain was life hitting me with a crate of lemons.
First of all SuperBaby is just fine and dandy and performing Cirque du Soleil in my uterus. I mean this with all sincerity. I have had two ultrasounds in the last few weeks and my little astronaut was in there doing back flips and spinning. It was waving it's little skinny arms and legs around. It was rolling from side to side and just having a big ol' time in there.
Superpucky on the other hand is not doing as well as Superbaby. What I thought were gastric reflux attacks were actually gall stones. The weekend before Halloween I actually passed a gall stone. I have looked up on line what type of pain this is and how it compares to other pain. Women who have had natural child birth and have passed a gall stone say that the gall stone is worse. I went to two Doctors offices, drank tons of GI Cocktail (usually nectar of the Gods, but not in this instance) and after 24 hours of continuous pain checked myself into the ER. They in turn put me on morphine and checked my behind into the hospital.
I met my nifty surgeon who told me that he would have normally performed surgery right then and there. The hold up was Superbaby. He wanted me to be at least 16 weeks along to have surgery. He allowed me to eat what resembled food at the hospital, waited to see if I would explode and when I didn't sent me home with pain pills.
He wants to go ahead and perform surgery during the 2nd trimester since the baby is far enough away from my gall bladder to not prevent more complications. There is a chance of pre-term labor since they have to blow carbon dioxide into my abdomen to get the lapriscopic scopes in. I am praying that they are able to perform lapriscopic surgery because it is three one inch incisions versus having a cyclops smiley face composed of my boob and scar.
The surgery is actually performed on an outpatient basis. Which was a little surprising, but I would rater be miserable at home then in a hospital. So now I can look happily forward to losing a body part the week of Thanksgiving. The upshot is I will probably feel well enough to actually have turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy.
I am a bit scared to say the least and I am mostly worried about the baby. Prayers are asked for the baby please.
As if I didn't have enough drama going on in my life my OB dropped me like a hot potato. Since I was going to a practice that had several Doctors I was on a rotation for each visit so I could meet each one of them. I was on my second Dr. when I met Dr. A-Hole. He had no tact and was horribly unprofessional.
The gist of the conversation we had was that I am too fat to be seen by his practice and oh that I am putting my baby in horrible danger. I tried feebly to talk to him prior to his diatribe about my surgery and medication. He waltzed right past that to light into me about how serious of a health threat I am imposing on my child being as over weight as I am. After ten minutes of being told of every worst case scenario of high risk labor and that his practice can no longer treat me I was in tears. I asked him if I could have a moment to compose myself and he continued to babel incessantly. I am not exaggerating in the least to say I was being machine gunned every mother's nightmare by the stuttering Dr. A-hole OB from hell. I had to ask him AGAIN if he could just give me a moment to pull myself together, and he did not stop. Finally I had about all I could take and said "Could you just shut your mouth for a minute." I mumbled as I wept. He snatched up my file and said in a huff as he stormed out of the office, "I can shut up forever!"
At that point my beeper for my blood sugar test was going off and I was able to escape to have my finger stabbed. Surprise surprise my blood sugar is perfect and my blood pressure is even lower than normal for me (and I have really good blood pressure). I am having a tough time keeping it together as I am waiting to get my ultrasound and it seems tainted. I am seeing my baby in person for the second time (first time was when I was admitted to the hospital). I knew that I shouldn't get too comfortable because this is the last time I am going to see this practice, and with good riddance at this point.
After the consult to end all consults and the weepy ultrasound it is time for a PELVIC exam. Now I get to let a man who has pissed me off, told me to go elsewhere, and made me cry stick his fingers inside of me. I don't let my husband do that crap! He then apologizes profusely and for some oddball reason asked me if I wanted to perform a c-section or deliver from "down below". Uhhhh did you mean to tell me a friggin OB just said "down below" do you mean vaginally? Down below, do you mean I want to deliver in Australia, Florida, Mexico...WHAT?!

I walked into the practice hoping for information, reassurance, and a nice ultrasound and left feeling less than human and like the worst Mommy ever. In hindsight I am so glad that I don't have to see Dr. Down Below A-Hole ever again.

The upshot to the worst OB visit ever is that I am now going to a high risk specialty practice at the University of South Carolina. I am going to be seeing people who only deal with high risk pregnancy and I won't have a stuttering jerk telling me I am too fat to be a good mother.
Other than the occasional gallstone pain I am actually feeling really good and I have LOST weight (Hear THAT Dr. A-hole!). You heard me correctly I am have actually dropped a few pounds. Don't worry I am eating my 1800 calories a day and eating very healthy. I have to eat a low fat diet because fat and grease cause the gall bladder to kick into overdrive. Lord knows we want to keep that body part happy for the next few weeks.
That is all for now, I will try to update more frequently
Until next time keep your head in the produce section and you butt out of McDonalds.
Superpucky

Welcome to Crazytown Pop.1 and 1/8th

Some days you just want to delete right off the ol' DVR of life.
Today would be one of those days. It was a icky wet nasty grey sky'ed chilly mess. There were three wrecks within a mile of one another on the interstate. I had an "assessment" at work today (PC name for a freakin' test). They "discretely" pulled people out of the room to give them their results. People came skipping back in the room proudly telling of their 99 out of 100, 95 out of 100 and similar scores.
I became more and more worried when everyone in the room had been called except for me. Then they call me back into another room which coincidentally had another employee in it. The one trainer stood behind me towering over my chair like a scolding parent. The other one sat next to me with the look of confusion and pity. I opened up the test booklet to reveal a failing grade. It looked like someone bled all over my paper. The first question from the pity face trainer was "What happened?" At that point I think all of the blood I had in my body was pooled in my stomach. My eyes resembled that of a puppy that has been told all the dog cookies were gone and I was a bad bad puppy.
They then proceeded to ask me to go through and demonstrate the sucktittude with which I spectacularly failed. I had to go through question by agonizing question and show my complete ineptness and failure to grasp the material. Oh yes, they did. By the way I did ask Igor behind me to sit down. Due to the fact I was a little freaked to have someone towering over me while I was horribly embarrassed. In a nutshell, it sucked..really freakin' sucked.
The blood began to rush back to my face as I went through the question gauntlet. I could feel the blush beginning and the tears brimming. I managed to suck it up until I was done with the questioning. After I left the room of doom I was trying to dart to the rooms where you can make private phone calls so I could bawl my eyes out alone. OF COURSE someone has to see me and wants to ask me what was wrong. I couldn't talk the tears started streaming and I basically bolted from the area. That person got one of our peer coaches (aka not really a supervisor manager thingy) and sent her to save me from the depths of despair. All I really wanted to do was lose my sh*t, pull it back together and move on with the day. Was that going to happen? Holy poop piles NOOOOOO!
I had to explain that I was feeling all hormonal, and I was over-reacting and I was fine. All the while I am thinking "Leave me alone to have a good sob fest!!!" I finally appeased her and she let me go .
After wiping the mascara from under my eyes and making sure there were no boogies around my nose I made my way back into the class. I was hoping to become one with my chair and remain invisible for the remainder of the afternoon. It was only an hour left in the day, I was almost free. I could find the nearest purveyor of hamburgers and carb load myself into a coma. Then I could go to bed and cry into my sweet little dogs' fur. Well that crap wasn't happening. Yet ANOTHER trainer shows up and calls me out of the room. Out into the hallway where MY MANAGER was waiting for me.
At this point I am ready to pass out from sadness, aggravation and anger. I follow my manager into another chamber of shame. I then begin to regurgitate everything I could think of to get her to believe that I was going to: "soldier forward", "pull up my bootstraps", "go bravely where no pregnant girl has gone before"..blah de blah bull crap blah.
After a HALF HOUR of searching my poor scrambled brain for any semblance of a reason why I failed the first "easy" test we were finally done. I was watching the clock behind her (hopefully not obviously) and it was only five minutes til' complete breakdown time! Hooray! Then a knock at the door and MY MANAGER's Manager pops in. HOOFREAKIN' RAY is the CEO of the company available? I am sure that he would like to put his two cents in about my atrocity of a test. The Manager's manager wanted to make sure everything was OK. No it is not OK, everything is wrong and awful! I need a hug, and a blanket, and my Mommy, and a sticker, and maybe a lolly pop.
So where is that erase button again?

Worky Work Busy Bee!

I am 10 weeks soon to be 11 and my energy has returned somewhat! I don't feel like I have run a marathon with another person strapped to me at the end of everyday. I am not counting on this trend to continue. I am learning to take this pregnant thing one day at a time.
Work has been hectic, interesting, exciting and believe it or not fun. I am making really cool new friends. Women I actually look up to, like the ex-police officer and military police woman in my class. She can seriously kick butt, she is really smart and super nice. There is a single Mom of four who moved from NY to SC by HERSELF! Holy crap she is my new hero.
These girls are schooling me on pregnancy, being working mom's and they have totally embraced me in the Mommy Sorority! I feel loved SQUEE!
My supervisor is WAY cool, she is a mother of four and her youngest is 6. She has been a working mom most of her career at my job. She is being super supportive of me and my doctor appointment/training conflict issus. She was not able to come down to talk to me during training so she called me on the way home, on her cell phone, on the way to pick up her teenager from school. Go supermommanagerlady YEA! When she called me this afternoon I knew I struck gold with my manager.
Tonight I managed to cook dinner, pick up the house a little bit and I am working on the laundry. I barley got anything done last week but making an imprint of my behind on the couch.
What a difference a week makes!
The only bit of whining I have is my flatulence issues. Good lord I could blow up a hot air balloon and float that sucker to Alaska. It is getting ridiculous y'all. Last night I ran the dog out of my bedroom! (No that is not me being overly dramatic, it actually happened) Thank goodness the trouser symphony kicks off in the evening and early morning so I am sparing my coworkers olfactory senses.
I have to go work on laundry so I must bid you all goodnight.
Remember keep your car in your lane and your nose upwind from me.

Sweet Relief

Yesterday morning I could have sworn I had a video camera peeking in through my curtains. It felt like I was on some cheesy sitcom and I was waiting for the canned laughter.

I got an email from my HR manager at my new job asking me to call her night before last. The next morning I get up to call her. I get up and dial the number. The ever so sweet fuzband decides to take out the trash and starts to bang the bag on the floor (loudly) while I am listening to the ring. Then I friggin' GET HER NAME WRONG! Not once, not twice, THREE FRIGGIN' times. I am struggling here you guys. If you will recall that when I first interviewed with her and two other managers it was like being interviewed by Mt. Rushmore with matching personalities. Instead of trying to help me out by saying her name she starts saying "There is no one here by that name, I am sorry I don't know who you want.". Yeah...she has people skills. By the way this is a customer service job and this lady has MILES of interpersonal skills. As I am struggling to remember her name the trash banging husband BREAKS WIND in the kitchen. I mean one of those farts that should be recorded in the "Gastrointestinal Hall of Fame". At this point I am paralyzed with fear. Did she hear him fart? Does she hate who ever this idiot who can't remember her name? Oh yeah and I am about to tell her I AM PREGNANT. This is off to a roaring start.

I finally remember her first name and manage to mumble it out and she recognizes that I want to speak to her the HR manager who I have already asked for. Yeah...I can see me going to her with aching personal issues in the future. UGH. I tell her I am pregnant and I get a congratulations so dry it makes Arizona look like a tropical rain forest. I explain to her my concerns and fear about missing training class and getting in trouble for absenteeism. That I want to be open and up front blah blah blah. Believe it or not I get the classic pass the buck. Talk to your manager and talk to your trainer and try to work around their schedule. I might as well have told her that I had warts that needed removing on my left knee and I had to have a procedure done. It was handled with little to no tact. So screw it. I am not going to go to her for jack from here on out. Obviously if she is not concerned about the whole issue I am not going to stress over it myself.

I am going to my OB appointments come hell or high water because this baby is coming whether my job cares or not!

Yeah, the pregnancy hormones have not kicked in at all...

On other fronts I am taking benefiber..take a wild guess why. The scale says I have gained four pounds in two days and I am not buying that it is fat and water. Lets just say things are not moving along like they should. I am going to make stir fry for dinner and see if that doesn't "motivate" things.

Until next time keep your chin up and your lunch down.

I am turning into a bear

I have gone from not enough sleep to hibernation mode. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. I am overjoyed at the sleep! I just feel like I can't get enough. I feel like my body has been taken over by space aliens and I don't know how to react to it. I guess if you think about it, in a way it has been sort of taken over by an alien (baby). OMG I just called my baby an alien! Well it does have a big head and is tiny and is controlling my entire life from inside me.
I am waiting/ scratch that impatiently stamping my foot waiting for my HR manager to call me. I sent her an email yesterday requesting that we meet this week. I wanted to discuss my "condition" and my upcoming Dr. appointments to see if this was going to be problematic and I should just go find another job. I am all about getting straight to the point. I hate the stupid dance of "Are you going to put up with me being an employee and a mommy? Or am I just going to get canned after you get aggravated with the monthly/bimonthly/weekly appointments so I am screwed in my third trimester and unable to get a job?" Have I been thinking about this much...NOOOO what ever gave you that impression?
I hate obsessing, I hate the unknown, I hate the unpredictable, I hate them all UGH! So you know this whole pregnancy thing has been spectacular for those particular hates right? My body is unpredictable, my life is unpredictable, EVERYTHING is unpredictable now. Everything right now is a gigantic question mark.
Would anyone like some cheese to go with my whine about right now? I am sorry I just had to get that off my chest. Lord knows it is overloaded right now anyways.

It Isnt Easy Being Green

Yes it is easy to be green actually. I have been green most of this weekend. Green and stooped over calling God on the big white phone. Ahh I couldn't have POSSIBLY escaped pregnancy without barfing my brains out.

Don't forget that romantic 2:15 AM jaunt to the ER with the most excruciating GERD flare up ever. Yes fuzband and I spent three fun filled time wasting hours going to the ER only for the symptoms to subside by the time I actually got to go to a bed. I opted to leave before I had to wait another two and a half hours to actually see the doctor. I figured that if it had gone away then I was out of any real danger. Since I had been riding the vomit comet all night long on Saturday then you know Sunday was even more fun. My poor beat up digestive system was achy and painful. I learned how to fall asleep while nauseated. I think it was plain being exhausted.

Good news is that I woke up today with no nausea and little to no crampiness. I decided to take things easy and ate banana and a bowl of oatmeal. I feel pretty good, I am still a little tired but I think that is to be expected.

Last night fuzband and I went to bed at about 4:00 and did not get up until about 9:00 AM today. I usually rotate around like a chicken on a spit but I managed to get in some pretty awesome sleep. Yes, blessed wonderful great awesome spectacular....SLEEEEEP.

My CVS test has been scheduled for the middle of next month. I am hoping the fact that I have to take off for two Dr. appointments almost immediately after being hired won't screw up my job. I feel torn though, I am NOT sacrificing the well being and health of my child for a job. At the same time I need my job to pay off bills. I am just hoping that my job will understand, if not I will have to look for another job I suppose.

I hate being stuck in this position. I wish I could just stay at home and worry about being a good Mommy and not so much about money. We must do what needs to be done and soldier on. In the end it will all result in me being able to stay at home indefinitely. If I try to stay at home now I will constantly be looking over my shoulder for that one "thing" that will cause me to have to go back to work. I want to tell my baby no because I don't want them to have something, not because I can't afford it.

Ok so I can get all pregnant looking now

Oh happy day, my mommy clothes have gotten here. After using several pillows and finding just the right one I used it as a placebo baby. I tried them on and dare I say I looked...cute. I looked all mommy-ish. I mean I am sure my face will be much more puffy and my behind may be a bit bigger but I picked out shirts and pants that make being Mommy look pretty darn fetching. I think I got some threads that will take me from now until after the baby is born. I tried to follow all the Girlfriend's guide to pregnancy advice and buy: lightweight, stretchy, cotton, button down (for nursing), big enough, yet flattering clothing that will be suitable for work and home. That wasn't such a tall order to fill was it? I even got a pair of stretchy jeans with a big elastic waist that will more than accommodate me and superbaby.
I can still wear most of my clothes now and fortunately still have a few older bigger clothes to wear so I think I have enough of the size spectrum. I don't think I am going to run out of things to wear.
This morning was absolutely blissful. I woke up and ran to the potty as normal. Then I went RIGHT, BACK TO SLEEP! Oh, there was a low trumpet flourish and a beam of soft light went over my face as I drifted back off to night night land with Flap Jack and Rusty as my wingmen...um..er...wingdogs. I slept until 10:00 and it was everything I hoped it would be. I am really going to enjoy this last week of freedom and excessive sleeping.
The food cravings are in full swing, I have craved hamburgers, veggies, fruit, every dairy product you could possibly name, mac and cheese, baked potatoes, sweet potatoes, more veggies, chinese veggies, and did I mention I be lovin' on some veggies? I sort of roll with the cravings because 9 times out of 10 they are for healthy things. Speaking of food I have to go grocery shopping. I think this might be scary due to the amount of hunger I have been exhibiting, I may need to eat immediately prior to shopping. I can see it now I would come home with nothing but cheese, ore ida fries, and microwavable pizza and hamburgers.
Heh!
Now off to make that grocery list....

Baby Mama Update

I got canned today. I don't mean people were pelting me with Green Giant nibblets corn. I mean I was "let go", "released from my position", "fired", "ousted", "laid off", "kicked to the curb" etc.
Yes the supervisor I was working for at my temp. job left for the rest of the week (which he neglected to inform me and the temp service of) and a new woman took his place.
A evil shrew of a woman that shall not be named but rhymes with spaniel gave me the heave ho. She was absent for the first week and a half I worked there and when she returned hell came on her heels like flying monkeys. She was crabby, bitchy, PMS-ey, and scary to everyone but the other temp Kim and me. She was scrawny (yes I am going to hate on skinny women for a minute, sorry girls) and looked like she need a good meal, some hot sex, and a big giant margarita. She was horribly uptight, if you had a dull pencil I am sure you could use her ....ok I won't go there.
The first supervisor was very pleased with my performance and all was going along swimmingly until Ms. Voldemort showed up and wielded her bony hips at us and hissed like a possum caught in a trap. I tried to quit twice with the temp service only to be talked down out of the tree. As I suspected our days were numbered and when we returned from lunch today we were informed that "They no loner needed us."
All I have to say is good riddance. I have another job lined up and ready to go, this job was a nice stop gap and some much needed extra income. I am already tired, cranky and a little stressed. Who needs this crap!?
I do however feel for my new found friend who needed the job more than I did. She is a single Mom trying to bust back into the workforce and was hoping the position would last longer than it did. I am going to try to help her find something by perusing careerbuilder and monster in search of employment. Anyone reading can you please say a little prayer for her? God knows who she is and will help her and her baby out.
I am so blessed to have a good husband, a good job, and so far a healthy pregnancy. Meeting my new friend reminded me of how very fortunate I am and that I need to be grateful for everything I have in my life. I am VERY fortunate and VERY blessed. Thank you God!
As far as my pregnancy goes I am still feeling tired. The achy boobage comes and goes. It is not as bad as it was next week, but I am sure that will change. I am starting to have some days with better energy levels which is encouraging.
I ordered four nursing/maternity bras from breakoutbras.com and they arrived today. I am soooo happy I got them now. I tried one on about an hour ago. It felt so good I am still wearing it. It is 100% cotton cups and straps and it feels like HEAVEN. Nothing is hurting, everything is where it should be and I can't feel the bra. It is that comfortable. I see a second order for more in my future.
I went online and bought some maternity like shirts from Avenue, lots of empire waists and baby doll style button down shirts. I am taking a cue from some of the books I have been reading that recommend buying something you can wear long after the baby is born so you can nurse easily and comfortably. I got a few pairs of knit straight leg pants in 30/32 so I can accomodate my belly comfortably and not look like I am wearing tights. I figure I will wear what I own now until they get to small and save the big pants for the third trimester. I got a super deal on the pants only 15.00 each! The shirts were all under 20.00. I think between what I have and what is coming I will be a stylish Mommy.
I went to my first OB appt. last Monday and got a flu shot, had blood drawn, was told I was pregnant (surprise!..? heh). I asked about a gazillion questions and was very pleased with all the answers. I asked for a CVS test (Chorionic Villus Sampling), it is where you take a sample of the fine hair like projections from the placenta and they test it for a multitude of genetic problems. It can screen out Tay Sachs, Downs Syndrome, and a bunch more I can't remember. The bestus part is they can tell me the sex of the baby! I will probably go in for it in about two weeks. It is done going up the birth canal vs. a gigantic scary needle like amnios are done. Much less panic enducing. I am getting this done just because I am a plus size pregnancy and I am close to 35. I would like to make sure everything is going well in there with my Superbaby. The other cool part is that they will have to do an ultrasound so I get to hear my baby's heartbeat two weeks earlier than I would if I waited until my 12 week check up. YAY! I will bring tissues with me.
When I was at my appointment I couldn't help but look around at the new and expectant Mommy's around me, I made a mental note to try to be a little more diligent about my appearance. Perhaps I will get to the point where I am too big or too tired to care. I hope not.
I will make another post soon as I can and try to keep you up to date.
Until next time keep your feet off the coffee table and your finger out of your nose.