New Day

I battled my insomnia AGAIN last night. I couldn't seem to stop thinking about new beginnings, starting over, starting again. Since my birthday was last week and I am beginning a whole new week I am resolving to try to be healthier. Everyday take a step toward being healthier everyday. No matter how small the step or the accomplishment I am going to do SOMETHING.
I have been in this downward spiral of self destruction for months. I seem to keep procrastinating on dieting, exercise, organization and housework. You name it I have been putting it off. I think it is some sort of self punishment.
I have lost one very close friend of mine (by choice) this year. Which was really hard. Sometimes you  have to realize when a person is bringing more chaos and harm to your life than anything positive. I have also cut ties with members of my family that were judgemental and extremely toxic to me. That was extremely difficult to say the least. These folks have been placing blame, shame and judgement on me for years. They were purposely excluding me and other family members from events and just all around being a-holes. So I figured why on earth should I keep up the facade and sticking out the olive branch only to draw back a charred hand. What was the point?
I think that coming to terms with losing all these people really hurt me. I know it is only natural to be depressed about doing all of this. I suppose it was the manner in which both groups left me. (which is another blog for another day)
Today I actually feel hopeful. I don't feel the residue of the angst/stress/shame/(insert negative ugly feeling). I think to mask the problems I have been eating my problems and avoiding the issues and pretending like they weren't there. I think that I eat so I don't have to feel. Which is the exact same reason people (self included) drink or do drugs or have sex etc. That way we can stay numb to all the things that we don't want to deal with.
I finally feel like I can walk away from all that crap and leave it behind. I feel so much lighter even though I haven't lost a pound.
I will expand on most of this later.
A

Back!

Hello anyone who may still remember this blog. I could give you a million excuses as to why I haven't been blogging. None of them are very good. Some of them are fairly legit.
Robbie for one has kept me running my behind off. Post partum depression which I have been battling is probably the true culprit. Good ol procrastination is definitely a contributor.
So what am I up to these days? Number one chasing after my son who is now learning how to walk. Number two I am watching kids after school and now just one all day for the summer. I love working from home and being able to be a stay at home Mom. I do miss working with adults and having adult conversations. Some days I am so happy to see my husband walking through the door so I can have a conversation about something other than poop and barbies.
Life has had a lot of ups and downs. I have had to really re-evaluate my friends and family which has been excruciatingly hard. I have had to let a few people go on their merry way and welcome back some old friends. I have actually had to cut off people from my own family which has been REALLY hard. When I realized that they weren't who I thought they were. When I realized that for my own emotional well being I would be better off not speaking to them it was a bitter pill to swallow.
I have been battling weight gain big time. I have gained back a lot of what I lost before getting pregnant. that has played hell on my self esteem. I am struggling to find my way back to being as motivated as I was when I wrote this blog.
I think avoiding writing has been a symptom of all the problems I have been facing. I believe that actually articulating the issues I am dealing with would make them more "real". Getting back to writing has been something I have been putting off, even though I know I enjoy it so much.
Why do we do that to ourselves? Working out is the same as dieting and blogging for me. When I do work out I love it and enjoy it so much. Just getting myself to the gym has proved impossible. I don't know what I am so afraid of. I don't know what I am worried about? The stares? I have dealt with that before and over come it. The comments? I have heard those too and got over it? Worrying about Robbie in the day care area? I could let David watch him and be just fine. The truth is there is no excuse. I have made up a litany of good reasons not to go. The real reason is probably laziness.
I can certainly find a few minutes to rattle off what ever is on my mind to my blog. Be damned correct grammar and editing the hell out of it. At least I would be writing again. That feeds my soul and my passions. I know I can find time to exercise, I have a friend who has four children, a god daughter, a husband, a full time job and SHE has found time to exercise. So I know I can too. There are thousands of people who have lost a lot more weight than I have, and I have done it before SO I CAN TOO.
It feels so nice to blog again. I don't know if I have an audience anymore. I guess that really doesn't matter. Truthfully this is more for me than anyone else.
I am excited to be back. I am going to start getting back the things that bring me joy personally.
And now for some gratuitous Robbie pictures: