Letting Go

I had mentioned that I had to let friends go in a previous post. I wanted to expand on that.  I had a friend who has battled addiction for a long time in her life. I was not aware of this until the last few years of our friendship. We always had a co-dependent relationship. It became toxic over the last few years.
The drug addiction started out as experimentation, partying and then escalated into full blown junky/addict hell. I was on the sidelines watching all of it like a train wreck in slow motion.
 I had a lot of people warning me that our relationship wasn't good for me. I wanted to be the stoic friend who held on no matter what. I wanted to be the heroine who did not forsake her friend. Blah blah martyr blah de martyr blah.
It seemed like her problems became bigger than anything positive I was getting out of our relationship. I gave money I didn't have to give, time I should have spent on myself. I gave and gave and gave and gave. I suppose I did this so I wouldn't have to pay attention to the mess that had become my own life. It was so much easier to look at someone else's world and help than to deal with my own.
Any time I tried to discuss my issues or ask for advice I never got as much as I gave. It was always "I don't know what to say.", or on to the next subject about myself. Most of the time it was simply ignored. When I was treated poorly I would blame the drugs, or the boyfriend, or being overworked, or being in a bad situation. The simple truth of it all I was being abused and used and was completely oblivious to it.
While I am off flying the banner of "True Blue Friend" my life is just disintegrating. My job performance suffering, my weight  skyrocketing, and my friends and family distancing themselves. I was in falling apart while trying to put someone else back together. Before I knew it I had no other close friends and one person I called my friend who really wasn't.
There were warning signs. Occasionally I would grow a back bone when she crossed the line and insulted me or insinuated that I was not a good friend. We would stop speaking for months sometimes a year. Then there was the tear jerking phone call that would reel me back in to her insane world. I would take her back because I was lonely and had a chance to be the knight in shining armor again.
I let her move in with me and gave her money. I bought make up, pre paid phone, cigarettes, helped with a resume, and didn't ask for a dime in return. Within a couple weeks a tear filled confession that she had slipped and gone off and done drugs. She begged me not to tell my husband. That was a line I was not willing to cross. We stopped talking for over a year.
After another teary phone call I started talking to her again. She was clean and sober and I thought it was worth it to give things another try. She began obsessing over writing to death row inmates during this time! She became obsessed with one man and "fell in love" with him. She said that he was good for her and was helping her. I tried to go on, I was mystified, but, played along. She broke up with her boyfriend for this person. He committed suicide shortly afterward and she didn't seem phased much. This really shocked me but I kept my distance and continued to talk to her.
Then she began sending out letters and emails to me about petitioning states to stop executions. I ignored them and admired her tenacity with which she went about them. Then I started getting text messages from her that were four and five pages long. I have no text plan (gasp...I know...I prefer to speak to people) so I let her know that and that each text was costing me money. She flipped out and sent me a diatribe of hatred filled text that was 7 messages long.
It was clear how she felt about me and what she knew about me as a person. She knew absolutely nothing. Everything she said wasn't true or from out of left field. She had been basically using me as a free psychologist, atm, mother, and all around sucker of the month. I was so angry, stunned and most of all I felt stupid.
All of the years of being suckered in and abused became crystal clear. I was a victim of a person who manipulated me for years and I was naive and blind to it all. I think in the back of my mind I knew what was going on but I chose to ignore it.
On some levels we were good friends and she knew me better than a lot of people in certain ways. We used to have a lot of fun when we were younger. I think in my mind I was waiting for that person to re-emerge. She never did. In hindsight this pattern had been repeated with all of her relationships. She would show people one side of her and when the dark and ugly showed up she dumped them. Blamed all the problems on that person and moved on to the next victim.
I perpetually made myself her victim over and over and over. I felt so stupid for letting myself play the fool over and over. I felt heart ache for wasting so much time love and energy to have it thrown away with out a second thought. I felt discarded and used and most of all just plain stupid.
I took my time and sent her an email explaining exactly how I felt. Why did I do this you ask? For me. I wanted to say everything I felt needed to be said. I wanted her to know what I felt and how I felt about how she treated me. I did it for no one else but myself. This was my closure.
Of course I got an ugly response with the craziest of responses, a threat to reported to the FBI for internet harassment. Needless to say I am not in the pokey playing spades with a bunch of women.
It has been a couple of months since that happened and I have for the most part made peace with it. I am moving on and focusing on my real friends and myself. It has been hard because it is so difficult to look in the mirror and face your own issues after you have been ignoring them for so long.
I am moving on with better friends and a healthier perspective. I am now wary of letting people cross boundaries with me and defending myself from predators.
More to come on life improvements.
Take care.

Baby Mama Update

I got canned today. I don't mean people were pelting me with Green Giant nibblets corn. I mean I was "let go", "released from my position", "fired", "ousted", "laid off", "kicked to the curb" etc.
Yes the supervisor I was working for at my temp. job left for the rest of the week (which he neglected to inform me and the temp service of) and a new woman took his place.
A evil shrew of a woman that shall not be named but rhymes with spaniel gave me the heave ho. She was absent for the first week and a half I worked there and when she returned hell came on her heels like flying monkeys. She was crabby, bitchy, PMS-ey, and scary to everyone but the other temp Kim and me. She was scrawny (yes I am going to hate on skinny women for a minute, sorry girls) and looked like she need a good meal, some hot sex, and a big giant margarita. She was horribly uptight, if you had a dull pencil I am sure you could use her ....ok I won't go there.
The first supervisor was very pleased with my performance and all was going along swimmingly until Ms. Voldemort showed up and wielded her bony hips at us and hissed like a possum caught in a trap. I tried to quit twice with the temp service only to be talked down out of the tree. As I suspected our days were numbered and when we returned from lunch today we were informed that "They no loner needed us."
All I have to say is good riddance. I have another job lined up and ready to go, this job was a nice stop gap and some much needed extra income. I am already tired, cranky and a little stressed. Who needs this crap!?
I do however feel for my new found friend who needed the job more than I did. She is a single Mom trying to bust back into the workforce and was hoping the position would last longer than it did. I am going to try to help her find something by perusing careerbuilder and monster in search of employment. Anyone reading can you please say a little prayer for her? God knows who she is and will help her and her baby out.
I am so blessed to have a good husband, a good job, and so far a healthy pregnancy. Meeting my new friend reminded me of how very fortunate I am and that I need to be grateful for everything I have in my life. I am VERY fortunate and VERY blessed. Thank you God!
As far as my pregnancy goes I am still feeling tired. The achy boobage comes and goes. It is not as bad as it was next week, but I am sure that will change. I am starting to have some days with better energy levels which is encouraging.
I ordered four nursing/maternity bras from breakoutbras.com and they arrived today. I am soooo happy I got them now. I tried one on about an hour ago. It felt so good I am still wearing it. It is 100% cotton cups and straps and it feels like HEAVEN. Nothing is hurting, everything is where it should be and I can't feel the bra. It is that comfortable. I see a second order for more in my future.
I went online and bought some maternity like shirts from Avenue, lots of empire waists and baby doll style button down shirts. I am taking a cue from some of the books I have been reading that recommend buying something you can wear long after the baby is born so you can nurse easily and comfortably. I got a few pairs of knit straight leg pants in 30/32 so I can accomodate my belly comfortably and not look like I am wearing tights. I figure I will wear what I own now until they get to small and save the big pants for the third trimester. I got a super deal on the pants only 15.00 each! The shirts were all under 20.00. I think between what I have and what is coming I will be a stylish Mommy.
I went to my first OB appt. last Monday and got a flu shot, had blood drawn, was told I was pregnant (surprise!..? heh). I asked about a gazillion questions and was very pleased with all the answers. I asked for a CVS test (Chorionic Villus Sampling), it is where you take a sample of the fine hair like projections from the placenta and they test it for a multitude of genetic problems. It can screen out Tay Sachs, Downs Syndrome, and a bunch more I can't remember. The bestus part is they can tell me the sex of the baby! I will probably go in for it in about two weeks. It is done going up the birth canal vs. a gigantic scary needle like amnios are done. Much less panic enducing. I am getting this done just because I am a plus size pregnancy and I am close to 35. I would like to make sure everything is going well in there with my Superbaby. The other cool part is that they will have to do an ultrasound so I get to hear my baby's heartbeat two weeks earlier than I would if I waited until my 12 week check up. YAY! I will bring tissues with me.
When I was at my appointment I couldn't help but look around at the new and expectant Mommy's around me, I made a mental note to try to be a little more diligent about my appearance. Perhaps I will get to the point where I am too big or too tired to care. I hope not.
I will make another post soon as I can and try to keep you up to date.
Until next time keep your feet off the coffee table and your finger out of your nose.