Is It Just Me?

Ok I am needing some feedback from my readers. (All five gazillion of you :P )

When I was leaving Subway with the fuzzband today (feeling pretty proud for not caving in to getting Mexican for lunch) we crossed in front of two teen aged boys. The bane of all plus size women and men is the cruel teen. I looked over to make sure I was not going to become a grill ornament on their dad's Volvo. I noticed them gawking at me, not just glancing up or looking, I mean full on gawking and giggling. Being plus sized for a large part of my life I have gotten used to stares from people. Today it kind of slapped me in the face. I have been so proud of my progress and happy with my new smaller size. These two pimple covered dorks sucked me right back into feeling like an awkward teen. All of a sudden I could feel how big 310 lbs. are. I felt like someone snuck up and popped my balloon that had "Way to go on the 40 lbs!" plastered all over it.

Am I alone on this one? Has anyone else had complete strangers sum you up with a stare and a giggle. Or have you ever gotten the elbow and whisper between two people as you pass. Of course then there are the a-holes who speak loudly enough for you to hear them.

I know most would say, "Don't let them bother you. They are just stupid teens." or the ever popular "You shouldn't let what other people think bother you they don't know you, they don't matter.". The thing is I know all of that and I understand that but DAMMIT I am tired of being entertainment for others!

I had a cup of water in my hand as I crossed that street. It took every ounce of energy I had not to hurl the water at that car as hard as I could.

I am a human being. I deserve respect. I deserve the right to be able to walk down the street, through the mall, or in any public area without being ridiculed. If I were a minority it would be racism or bigotry, but since I am over weight it is open frickin' season.

UGH! I wish I had a paintball gun and I could just unload on the insensitive douche bags who think that just because people are overweight that it is OK to pick on them.

I know that this is a bit of a rant, and I apologize for the bitching. I feel better having expelled that hatred. I know idiots can't help being idiots because they were born with smaller brains. So I shouldn't be angry at them because they are functionally retarded, because after all wouldn't that be wrong?

Head Check (warning brutal honesty ahead)

I was bopping along through life. Counting calories and measuring fat. Bouncing around on my Wii Fit and feeling generally proud of my progress and myself in general.


I got a head check day before yesterday and a spiritual recharge.


I met a remarkable woman who is going through some very challenging struggles in her life. She and I have similarities in our trials and tribulations. She however is in the problem and working her way toward the solution. She has no idea how her problems actually helped me and inspired me to keep going. After she left I felt as if a giant anvil was dropped on me. Seeing someone else where I have been made me start thinking.


I suddenly started to remember how far I have come and where I started.


The darker days...


Days I did not want to live.


The days of not wanting to get out of bed.


Not wanting to look at my own reflection because it repulsed me.


Recalling despising myself and asking a friend of mine "Am I a nice person? Am I a bitch? Do you still love me?".


Standing on the Doctor's scale and see 350 lbs glaring back in red numbers just six months ago.


It reminded me of what it was like to hide food and eat it so no one would know.


Planning binges at night so nobody would know my secrets. Then planning on making myself sick because I felt so guilty.


What it was like to not have my emotions in control, feeling like I was slipping away from reality.


The feeling of being scared to leave the house because I did not want people to look at me.


Wondering how anyone could love me especially myself.


Today I can smile and look back at those days and realize that it is the past. I have turned a page. I am writing my story and it is going to have happy ending. I am practicing the "progress not perfection" motto, and I am staying grounded and grateful.


Thank God for well...God, Jesus, my understanding husband, my kick ass Doctors, medication, OA, Al-Anon, forgiving family, great friends, and my inner strength.


It has been about a 10 year journey to recovery. It had to start with strengthening my spirituality, getting my head squared away, finding the love of my life, hitting rock bottom, standing up, and working on the last piece... my health. I am finally understanding how important balance of mind, body and soul are. All three work like a pedestal to hold you up and keep you going.


To anyone reading this blog who is in the dark days, they do end. There is hope, there is help... don't ever stop looking for it.


To anyone who has helped me through my dark days, thank you. You mean the world to me.


To anyone who has overcome similar struggles, don't hide your story, share it, you do have an influence.


Lastly if you know someone who is having problems similar to these, reach out and hold their hand, let them know they are not alone. You may just save a life.