Random Thingy Things and Stuff

Hi ho folks Amanda the Puck here. Pucky with the achey backy ugh-y. (ok I just made myself nauseous with the extraneous use of the eee sound).
I had the bestus time ever on Saturday night watching two of the cutest children ever. I am not kidding they were exceptionally well behaved and sweet. The only two lingering side effects from my babysitting are: 1. Baby fever getting worse 2. back ache. I happily gave the two rugrats a bath and we were having a big ol time playing stinky feet, stinky hiney and stinky pits. After it was all said and done I had to get them out of the bath tub. Sooo with out even a second thought I lifted them up and out of the tub. Wrong answer...by the time I was headed home I had the tell tale twinges popping around my lower back muscles.
I pretended the twinges weren't there and pretended my back wasn't achy. The next morning I set about getting ready for guests to come over when gggzzzrrrrrrt zap gzzzzrrrrt. If you are wondering why there are all sorts of strange letters there they stand for the pains that go shooting through my lower back muscles at the weridest moments. The first one was when I went to grab a hand towel to wipe my face after teeth brushing. Because you know it was a fifty million pound towel with amazing abilities. At that moment I knew that I was in trouble. The pain was so severe I gasped and couldn't move for about a minute and a half. Fuzband was brushing his teeth and looked perplexed that picking a towel off the rack would induce such pain. If you have ever gotten an electric shock that is precisely what the pain in my back felt like except add some stabbing needle pain in there with it. So I suppose if someone took knitting needles and hooked them up to a car battery and then jammed them in your back muscles that would be close to the pain I feel at unexpected unpredictable moments.
I took some advil last night and fell asleep so I thought to myself, this is not a really bad back episode you will be fine. Denial is not just a river in Egypt folks. I got up today with all sorts of plans of laundry and YMCA and baking roasting hens. About half way through laundry gzzrrrtt zap gzzzzrttt even more painful from yesterday and now with a pleasant aching after taste. I fought it but out came the Darvocet and the Flexiril. So much for YMCA, baking and putting up the laundry that I am about to finish.
Here I sit waiting on my pills to kick in putting in an entry and frustrated that my body is not co-operating with the program. I am doing so well on the weight loss front. I am exercising, I have tons of energy I get lots and lots of things done and boom set back. I know I cannot push myself harder than my body will allow and the whole no pain no gain shtick but dammit dammit dammit. Instant gratification nowwwww! Huh...isn't that what got me in this whole predicament to start with? I mean if I didn't eat what ever I wanted when ever I wanted over the last ten years I wouldn't be having this back ache now would I?
Hard cold truth is what this back ache is, it is a reminder of the damage I inflicted upon myself for a decade of sadness. THANK GOD it is over with. Thank you God that I have seen a different way of life and that I have changed things.
Thank God that I have lost 16% of my total weight since October of last year. That's right 16%! I was just doing a little figuring today after I did my morning weigh in and was floored to figure that I am 1/3 of the way to my goal weight and 55 pounds down in 9 months! I am so blessed to be in the position I am in right now to lose weight, exercise and take care of myself. Sometimes I have to step back and pinch myself to make sure this is all real. I recall how absolutely miserable I was October of last year.
You know what the final straw was? A back ache. Ironic isn't it? Mind you that back problem landed me immobile in bed for a day or two. It was much worse than this one. I remember going to the Doctor and begging him for help and begging him for something, anything to get me started. He gave me a miracle drug that got me away from my food addiction. Phentermine, whoever invented Phentermine has my undying gratitude.
I remember the desperation of that day thinking of all the things that my weight had done to me, it had robbed me of:
self respect
the ability to go up and down the THREE stairs to my front door without my husbands help or leaning on the railing
my ankles
stamina
energy
my neck
the ability to breath at night w/o being propped up by pillows
the ability to turn over easily in bed
a normal dress size
being able to go into a small bathroom stall
feeling like a sensual/beautiful woman
my zest for life
my ability to get pregnant without endangering myself/my baby or both
the ability to make a grocery store trip without being completely spent afterward

I have gained almost everything in that list back. The only exception is the pregnancy, but we are almost there, only 45 more pounds to go on that one.
I am so happy to say that I am so much more mobile than I used to be and I am over the moon that it is only getting better. I am actually looking forward to my life and my future again. I feel hopeful. Hope is a powerful presence it is the most important thing you need in a weight loss endeavor. It pains me to think that there was such a time in my life when I had none. It also makes me very, very, thankful.
I want to take a minute to thank some of the people who have been there for me when no one else was:
Jesus Christ
Dad
my sisters
my husband
my best friend Andrea-you started kicking me in the ass when no one else had the courage-thank you.
Thank you to everyone again and if your name is not on that list and you consider yourself one of those people, you are.I am grateful to you, I am just on pain meds and that is probably why I forgot to add you to the list and why I am getting all wistful and misty right now.
Also thank you to Blogger and my readers for being an audience for my struggle and giving me a cathartic outlet to vent to.
You all have my gratitude.

Head Check (warning brutal honesty ahead)

I was bopping along through life. Counting calories and measuring fat. Bouncing around on my Wii Fit and feeling generally proud of my progress and myself in general.


I got a head check day before yesterday and a spiritual recharge.


I met a remarkable woman who is going through some very challenging struggles in her life. She and I have similarities in our trials and tribulations. She however is in the problem and working her way toward the solution. She has no idea how her problems actually helped me and inspired me to keep going. After she left I felt as if a giant anvil was dropped on me. Seeing someone else where I have been made me start thinking.


I suddenly started to remember how far I have come and where I started.


The darker days...


Days I did not want to live.


The days of not wanting to get out of bed.


Not wanting to look at my own reflection because it repulsed me.


Recalling despising myself and asking a friend of mine "Am I a nice person? Am I a bitch? Do you still love me?".


Standing on the Doctor's scale and see 350 lbs glaring back in red numbers just six months ago.


It reminded me of what it was like to hide food and eat it so no one would know.


Planning binges at night so nobody would know my secrets. Then planning on making myself sick because I felt so guilty.


What it was like to not have my emotions in control, feeling like I was slipping away from reality.


The feeling of being scared to leave the house because I did not want people to look at me.


Wondering how anyone could love me especially myself.


Today I can smile and look back at those days and realize that it is the past. I have turned a page. I am writing my story and it is going to have happy ending. I am practicing the "progress not perfection" motto, and I am staying grounded and grateful.


Thank God for well...God, Jesus, my understanding husband, my kick ass Doctors, medication, OA, Al-Anon, forgiving family, great friends, and my inner strength.


It has been about a 10 year journey to recovery. It had to start with strengthening my spirituality, getting my head squared away, finding the love of my life, hitting rock bottom, standing up, and working on the last piece... my health. I am finally understanding how important balance of mind, body and soul are. All three work like a pedestal to hold you up and keep you going.


To anyone reading this blog who is in the dark days, they do end. There is hope, there is help... don't ever stop looking for it.


To anyone who has helped me through my dark days, thank you. You mean the world to me.


To anyone who has overcome similar struggles, don't hide your story, share it, you do have an influence.


Lastly if you know someone who is having problems similar to these, reach out and hold their hand, let them know they are not alone. You may just save a life.

It's Monday, where did that motivation get to?

Mondays, the beginning of the week, the beginning of the diet. The beginning of many resolutions. Stop smoking, start recycling, start walking dogs more often, start diet, stop whining, stop cursing, start getting up on time...and on and on and on.

Why is it when Mondays get here the motivation is sometimes there with a vengeance or all the air is out of your balloon?

As I look around at the laundry list of things I need to do (which includes laundry), vacuum, dust, clean up, etc. and I just feel tired.

I know I am not alone on this one. There wouldn't be so many self help books or diet info-mercials if I weren't. When it comes right down to it you don't need any of that crap. It is just you and the power of inertia.

What is it that gets some people up and off the couch? Perhaps it is God, a pushy sibling, a prayer, a mantra, or looking at the grandma arms you have? Maybe it is love, the love you have for yourself, your family, your friends, who all want to see you succeed.

Sometimes I feel as if I have the little devil and the little angel on my shoulder's just like on the cartoons.

Devil-"Hey make some nachos and watch Hulu on line. You can clean and exercise later. Besides you had a rough weekend you deserve it right?"

Angel- "If you start now you can have all the laundry put away, the clutter picked up, and fit in a work out before dinner. Perhaps later you can take the dogs for a walk. Won't you feel so good, won't you have a sense of accomplishment?"

Devil- "You could twist your ankle, pull a muscle in your back and then you would be out for a week or two! Sit back relax, make a glass of tea you have lost a bunch of weight. Today doesn't matter. Besides you slept in so you wasted most of the day anyways."

I think I just had one of those moments on sit-coms where the screen goes all wavy. Where the character has this fantasy for five minutes and then pops right back into the script as if nothing has happened.

I do believe that my obsession with overeating and bad habits is a bit of a demon, sort of like addiction or alcoholism. Addiction will tell you anything and everything to keep you depending on it and to stay in charge.

The overeating and laziness are like one of those old couches that once you settle into it you practically need a forklift to get up. You feel like a bug on its back with all four appendages flailing helplessly.

I am thankful for this blog because it does help bring into focus the problems I have. This addiction of sorts and how warped it can cause my thinking to be.

I think I just have to yell louder than my devil and drop kick her fat ass off my shoulder.

I am going to run now, I have dogs to walk and laundry to fold.