See Wall, Apply Forehead at High Speed, Repeat as Necessary

Ok I have fallen off the wagon, into the gutter and now I am rolling around in the gutter and splashing in puddles.
SuperPucky has been bad, naughty, terrible and made some "ineffective choices" as my therapist would tell me. In other words I am eating like an idiot.
Ever since my trip to Charleston it has just been a free for all of eating like I have a tapeworm and it is all going to magically go away. Eating as if I won't start gaining weight. (Which I have about four pounds or five depending on how my scale feels that morning)
TOM and his unpredictability has me believing that some of the weight gain I have experienced is just water, but personally I think some of it is good old fashioned fat.
Birthdays can be hard for me and I am ignoring that quite well. Yes I am proud that I am much smaller than I was last birthday and I am doing very well. Yes I am proud of the accomplishments that I have made, so why am I undoing them? Why am I backsliding and why can't I stop? I don't get it, I know what is going to happen if I keep this crap up. I know that pizza is not a smart food choice. I know that frappacccpappachinoos from Starbucks are not low in fat. I know that coffee cake is not the way to a smaller me. I know all this, yet I still eat. Am I trying to sooth a hurt that I am ignoring? Am I trying to fill a hole inside myself that I am pretending isn't there? What in the ham sandwich is wrong with my brain?! Grrrrr.
Am I scared that I may succeed? Am I scared that I won't make my goals by January? Am I secretly making the failure true so I don't have to worry about it? Am I thinking to hard?
Ok I have been here before and I have said curse words, threw up my hands and "Ah to hell with it all", gained the weight back and was terribly miserable. Then I begin the cycle again by hitting rock bottom and starting all over. Usually the starting all over is from an even higher weight because I just have to top myself.
So we are going to do things differently this time. I will catch myself before I fall too far. I will stop the "ineffective" eating aka eating like a refugee at the rice drop. I will claim victory over this stupid problem and move forward. :::"Onward Christian Soldiers" playing gradually louder in background:::::: I will not repeat the mistakes of the past because I AM smarter than that. I HAVE learned from my mistakes. I WILL lose more weight and I WILL be SUCCESSFUL! As God as my witness I will not go one more month weighing over 300 pounds! YOU HEAR ME INTERNET! :::shakes fists of fury:::

Victory Is Within Reach!

Holy Calories Batman! The scale said blinkity blink-301.4-301.4-301.4. I can see 299 he is standing just outside of the spot light and giving me the raspberry and going "neener neener, Ha -Ha!" When I catch 299 he is going to get the noogies of a life time-and a spa pedicure.

Ever have one of those cleaning and rearranging binges that you can not stop! I feel like I have been hosting one of my own personal episodes of Clean Sweep. I regret to inform you that I don't have a budget for redecorating and my own personal team of decorators and carpenters. It is just me and the the hubby and the puppies. Between you and me, the puppies are not pulling their weight. OK, they do offer moral support in the form of wagging tails and a head licking while you are in some impossible twister position while rewiring your entertainment center. I have been doing some much needed rearranging that has made my life a hell of a lot easier. I am contemplating a trip to Home Depot to further my efforts but restricted budget has been cramping my redecorating efforts. I have gotten our rack stand in the living room and out of my bedroom (yes bedroom). It will accommodate our ever expnding collection of electronic gizmos. It looks super nifty like we are some sort of electronic geeks or something..uh..no not us!

I need to think about my new short term goal after 299, 280-is that too little, 275, 250-too much? I think maybe I am thinking too hard, I just need to hold on to the pull bar while the coaster car goes down the hill and scream "WHEEEEEEeeeeeEEEEE!".

Scale Addiction

I used to see a very nice therapist. (imagine that me going to a therapist :P) He told me that losing weight had to become my number one goal. One of the tasks he assigned me was weighing myself everyday. It has now become a ritual I go through every morning. Visit the room of rest, dispense with clothing, hop on scale. Some folks say, not good to do, not motivating, can be unhealthily. According to my very thin therapist he said that in a study where patients weighed themselves three times a day vs. once a week the patients weighing themselves daily lost more weight. Who am I to argue with my therapist and a study?

I hopped on the scale this morning to my delight to see 304. I know you weight can fluctuate as much as 2 pounds either way every day. Holy hot pockets batman 304! Even if it was just down 2 lbs due to dehydration that still leaves me at 306, which is down from yesterday. I weighed myself four times in a row to make sure it was not a fluke and each time 304 came blinking up at me.

One of the things I discovered back in therapy that denial is not just a river in Egypt. I was in denial up to my eyeballs. Being a size 32 (perhaps bigger), weighing 350 and feeling like poop was not enough to make me realize I was fat. I know that sounds completely insane, but it is true. I didn't think I was one of "those people", you know the ones that they show on TV from the neck down when they talk about America's Weight Epidemic. I wasn't that fat yet. (Warning stupid self talk to follow) I can pull it off, I am tall enough, if I wear just big enough clothes. '

I was so big that I didn't want to admit it to myself even though it was staring me straight in the face. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. It was just too hard to see this other person I didn't know staring at me. After all, that couldn't be me, I am not that big yet.
I guess I was not ready to break down and admit the truth. It is so funny when I think about my self talk it sounds like an addict doesn't it? "I can quit anytime I want." "I only drink on the weekends." "I am a drunk, alcoholics go to meetings." "I don't have a problem, I don't drink that much."

I had so many warning signs and flags popping up left and right but I just went right on ignoring them. (Warning more stupid self talk coming) After all you could attribute the smaller pants to the dryer shrinking them. The smaller bra was because it was cheap and worn out. I couldn't fit in the booth at the restaurant because they had crammed too much seating in one small area. The reason I am having to buy a bigger size is because the clothes run small in that store. Bad ankles are hereditary in my family, it is in my genes. I am tired all the time because it is winter and your body naturally slows down. Gastric reflux disease is hereditary I am getting this because my sister got it too.
Good God call me Cleopatra Queen of Denial! I had an excuse and a reason for everything. It was easier to laugh at it and make something up than to face the hard cold truth. I was killing myself one bite at a time.
When I finally saw myself in the cruel light of truth, cried, stopped beating myself up, asked for help, and got serious about weight loss, I started seeing results.
Rock bottom turned out to be good solid ground.

How much do I weigh?

This morning I get up and changed the batteries in my scale. It had been pitifully giving me the Lo Bat warning for far too long. I stepped on and assumed the position of prayer to God that the numbers would be lower.
They weren't. 318.9
I said some ugly words and stepped on again, 319.00, again 320.00.Uhhh was I gaining weight at the speed of smell!? What the hell was going on here? I look over at the other older scale and raise my eyebrow. Let me back up a bit here. Since I started my weight loss back in October of 2008 I was 350 pounds it would not weigh me because it's cap out was 330.Now that I am happily below 330 I thought to myself, let's give the old one a go and see what it has to contribute.
309 says old scale. I think it was trying to get back in my good graces.I weigh one, two, three more times on old scale 309 each time. I like the old scale, but I know he is lying to me...I think.

Now that I am completely perplexed I get back on the other scale and it says 318.So who or what do I believe? How do I know how much I weigh?I have been on a plateau for two weeks and now I have dueling scales...ugh.
I trudge on forward through my weight loss battle clueless as to my true weight. I suppose the only thing that matters is that my clothes are getting looser and I feel much better. I will weigh again tomorrow and see how much each one thinks I weigh.