Just Keep Swimming

I watched Finding Nemo the other night and apparently it stuck with me. I will explain more in a little bit.
I was looking at my flabby arms thinking UGH, where have I lost weight at? Where did the 52 pounds come from? Obviously since I look like a bat when I am bare armed and hold my arms up in the goal post position it wasn't from there. I still look like I am melting when I look at myself from the side, so where did it come from!
After the mental bashing I stop and say to myself, "Stop beating yourself up, stop being so hard on yourself! Negative self talk gets you no where but at the bottom of a Ben and Jerry's container."
When I laid my head down to sleep tonight I started thinking "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming." It is from the part of Finding Nemo where a school of fish are about to be swept up by a swimming net. They all have to swim toward the floor of the ocean to snap the line on the net. If they panic they die, if they keep swimming, trusting it will work they will live. I have to keep swimming even though it seems pointless. I have to keep swimming or I will die. I was wide awake at that point and had to get some of this out of my head. Hence I am now blogging at 2:03 AM.
Sometimes realizing that you have around 170 pounds to lose and you have struggled your ass off for nine months to only get to 52 pounds you start to get discouraged. That means I am only losing on average around six pounds and even if I continued on my current track of six pounds a month it will take another year and eight months to lose it all. On top of that I am looking at getting pregnant in the middle of the year and eight months and ugh. You can see where frustration and discouragement can step in.
Ok time for a deep breath here. My goal right now is to drop forty eight more pounds by January to make it to 250. That means I will only have an additional seventy pounds to lose. That does not seem nearly as daunting. I have 29 weeks to lose 48 pounds that is 1.65 pounds a week.
Just keep swimming...

Ramblings from 2:24 AM from an Insomniac

Ah, me, you, laptop, and Tylenol PM. The life of an insomniac with an achy leg who has too many thoughts floating around in her head.
As I laid in bed next to my Fuzband (who was doing his level best to imitate an accordion being run over by a steam roller remixed into a 3 hour long disco song) tossing and turning I began to play snippets of my life in my brain. I have one of those brains that likes to go on 100 mph ADD tantrums when I should be sleeping.
My brain produces a mental TV show where it just shows flash backs of the previous seasons. I was zooming around my life to lame loser boyfriends, to girls you knew would be knocked up before graduation, to Amanda's most embarrassing moments, to what it was like to be smaller than I am now. After watching an hour and a half of flash backs I rolled out of bed and went in search of Tylenol PM.
One of the things I was thinking about was a sign I saw at Disney's Animal Kingdom. Appropriately placed in a toilet stall, it read "The Scoop on Poop: elephants can poop up to 300 lbs per day". I thought to myself while reading this sign, I weigh as much as elephant can poo in a day! Great.. now I am equal to a steaming pile of pachyderm excrement!!
Which reminds me of when I was smaller and I heard on TV that a heavyweight boxer weighs around 200 lbs. At the time I was 210 lbs and was horrified that I was fatter than Mike Tyson was in his glory days. I would give anything to weigh 200 right now. A whole 150 lbs less than when I started this journey. That would mean I lost a whole person off of me.
I am happy to report that I am back to my pre-vacation weight of 307 as of Saturday AM. I am happy that I did not screw up my diet too terribly and that I didn't gain. The extra weight I had acquired was water weight as I expected because TOM showed up about three days after the 308 weigh in.
In other somewhat related news I have taken myself off of Phentermine. I am tired of the constipation, worsened insomnia, anxiety, crabbiness and feeling like I was butter scraped over too much toast. Much to my delight I have not wanted to eat everything in sight and I have not returned to my bad habits. After rehabbing my back last week I am back on the Wii Fit and walking with my husband and dogs.
It is funny I was averaging around 6 to 7 miles per day at Disney and toward the end of the trip it was becoming easier. If only I could mentally visit Disney world every day and walk 7 miles I would be as big as a toothpick in no time. I thought to myself last Saturday night that if I could do 7 miles in the sun at Disney than I could handle thirty minutes in the evening at 86 degrees in SC. Sure enough after walking about 4,000 or 5,000 steps around the neighborhood felt like nothing. This was very encouraging that if properly motivated I could handle anything exercise wise that I wanted to. After dinner last night I felt a little guilty after having one big slice and one mini slice of my fathers birthday cake. So to try to alleviate some of the guilt I started up the ol' Wii and proceeded to sweat for the next thirty minutes.
Things are on the upswing which is great, if I could only fall asleep life would be even better.